I took a bite of a ripe plum. Slowly visualizing every tiny move I make. The sweet sticky juice spreading on my tongue and some trickling down my chin from the side of the mouth. It's just like the last good kiss I remember.
Being a captive of my own will for years, that reminded me how long ago that was. I was nothing and nowhere was where I was sitting. Barely aware of the rest of the world.
She would approach me easily and I'd know it. The urge to do or say something, while being on my own has won. Later I noticed what it means and that someone is by my side, willing to communicate. From the inside.
I set by the fire, that in reality was a candle. Yet for me it felt like a bonfire and the circle cast around me felt like a tent. Cozy calming bright space, that is mine and mine alone. Except someone is visiting, like she did tonight.
I swiped the juice with my hand, slowly licking it off my fingers and giggling at this foolish behavior. I'd usually just go and wash my face and hands... cleanliness must prevail, right?
But in here I can be careless to all the learned way of behaving. I'm me, and she is me too sometimes.
She gave me a motherly smile and set across, at the very border of the circle, taking a deep breath and then doing nothing. She raised her eyes up to look into my eyes and tilted her head a bit to the side, letting her chestnut hair strands fall over her face a bit and sliding down her shoulder. A detail that some miss and to some it's rare moment of a woman showing her natural beauty, totally unrelated to anything and totally unintended yet so powerful.
I was tied to the floor by this magical moment, as her beauty shined through and haven't noticed the sound of slow steady drumming that spread all around me. Shy at first, louder and with more rhythm later. How I longed to dance. My body was not what I wanted it to be, but I absolutely needed to move. So I stood up, and she stood up with same moves. She offered me her hand, like a male dancing partner would do and I placed my hand on hers slowly. A bit scared of how it would feel to touch a ghost. But I didn't feel anything. In a single second she turned with her other hand high in the air and ended up exactly where I am standing, enclosing my body and increasing the restlessness that has taken over me for days now.
Finally I understood it. If I won't do anything to express myself, she would lead me until I let go. Letting go is scary sometimes as well. I don't mind it, yet I wasn't sure what to let go off this time.
There was a clear streak of a breeze, traveling through my chest and I was sure that it was responsible for the weird urge to DO something.
My arms went up, like in a dream it wasn't me who moved them, but I enjoyed it. Then I fiercely turned in circle, which made me feel dizzy and I heard my voice as I laughed out. Like a child on a merry-go-round. My moves matched the drumming sounds and a mellow female voice began humming a melody. It then turned stronger and the words were to be heard. In a language that I couldn't understand, that sounded like Polish or some Czech dialect, never fully clearly pronounced for me to decide what I'm hearing.
She sang about love, about moving and long roads, about battles and mothers kissing their sons foreheads goodbye before letting them go to war, about fertile warm soil, as tired hands are buried down into it, and then lifting up handfuls of calming scented soil they step on for the first time, about the ways tired bodies hug the earth as they are about to fall asleep under the clear starry sky, with faces feeling the fresh grass, like they would feel the softest pillow.
She sang about female bare legs, with hands holding skirts above the knees, as they step over a deep creek and laughter when one slides and ends up in the water, about hands holding lover's face in the silent nights, just a second after she set to his lap, facing him, just a second before she pulls him in for a kiss, with just a lady Moon as their witness, about tiny hands picking fruits along the way and holding onto mother's skirts, about freshly built huts and first sheep tied behind them, about soft female hands, while they process the dough for the very first bread after the harvest and about the scent of oaks, linden trees and mushrooms as a comfort to the lost one, that never truly went off his path, the one that knows where he's going, even when he doesn't.
She sang a song for me to move and dance to. One that I'll never hear again or understand, but the one that I've recognized and felt not from outside, but from the very core of my bones. I was dancing around the fire, feeling more like a fairy than like a human being. Maybe I'm not one.
She detached herself from me. Stood across the fire and seemed to move and mimic my moves at the same pace, while singing, while grabbing my face from time to time to caress it for a second, like a mother would do to her child, to tell he or she did something well. The fire grew taller and the circle expanded, giving me more space to grow, to shine, to spread the scent of linden from my skin and fill the forest clearing around me, with it.
What a mesmerizing voice and beat!
I fell to the ground, slightly exhausted, and still full of this new energy, my heart laughed aloud, my heart that was believed to be non existent at some point or too closed in to feel clearly, it was beating and alive and shining out waves of green and sandalwood. I laughed. She laughed too.
Then she stood up and walked away, with a smile flashing at me over her shoulder. I've heard in my head: "This is you. I am you. You are the dance. Dance again little girl."
My body was laying on the floor. Legs bent at the knees a bit, arms stretched out, just the way I fell down earlier. Plum with a bite still in my hand. Naturally I bring it to my lips. Bite once again, carefully, yet some juice still runs down my lips, over my neck and into my hair. I smile, I still breathe fast from the excitement, I hear myself humming the same melody like she did, while closing my eyes and slowly drifting to sleep. I shine, I dissolve, I'm everywhere... shhhhhhhhhhhh...