You might think it's fun seeing all these ghosts. Well it isn't. Some of them are nice but, as I say, some of them are very nasty. Either way they always insist on telling me their stories. And if any other living people are around they can think I've gone a bit mad - they just see me talking to myself. So I got out a list of pubs in the Borough of Spelthorne (where I live) and a copy of "Haunted Pubs of Great Britain" and searched until I found somewhere that was in the Spelthorne book but not the other one. That took some considerable time. Most pubs say they're haunted and sometimes they are and sometimes they aren't and ra ra ra because it brings people in, do you know what I mean? Well, it doesn't bring ME in! I'm sick of it. I finally found one called the Chapperton Arms, Kempton Park. That's a mission getting there but whatever - the hour-long walk would do me good.
I walked through the Borough of Spelthorne until I reached the Chapperton Arms. It was old and I thought "oh no" and ra ra ra. However I'd just walked an hour - I'd sit here and see what happened.
I went up to the bar and I was like, "Can I have an orange juice, please?"
The bloke behind the bar was like, "ID?"
"WHAT? I said 'an orange juice'!"
"Don't make no difference. Nobody gets served in here unless they can prove they're over 18."
"But I'm not - I'm 16."
"Goodbye, little girl," he said and carried on pulling on the beer pump for another customer. I was screwing!
So I was like, "Oh, it's a rubbish pub anyway," and ra ra ra when all of a sudden I saw a dog made out of a lump of coal. It was massive! It was curled up by the fire. It had just like appeared and I thought "oh no" and ra ra ra. I went up to it.
"Turn me over," it said so I was like, "OK then" and I did and it said "Made in Mid Glamorgan" underneath it and then it vanished into thin air and la la la.
I got my mobile 'phone out and rang my friend Cherise.
"Can I come and see you?" I asked.
She was all, "Oh, well, I'm a bit busy with the baby" and all that. Nobody wants to speak to me now because of all the ghosts. I don't know if they think I'm lying or what but it's like everyone avoids me now.
I was about to walk out of the pub when this bloke came up to me. He was quite fit, actually, but I didn't want to chat to him because I knew what he was. He was wearing a red British soldier's uniform. I've got quite good a those. I knew it was from the time of King James II and ra ra ra.
I went, "Excuse me," and tried to get past but he was all like, "Hold hard, young lady - there is much I should like to impart" and all this so I was like, "Right. Everyone's staring at me because they think I'm talking to thin air" but he was all like, "I must request, dear lady, that you remain with me. We may parley in the back where we shall not be observed by those of your own time," and all this.
I went back with him and he was all like there was a mass gathering from the past and King James wanted to change history and stop William III coming over in 1688 and he was going to carry on running England and then his son would take over and history would be back on track and all this. I asked why he was telling me all this about his own master! He said the space-time continuum would be upset and I needed every ghost contact I could make and all this chat.
I asked him about the dog made out of coal. He just laughed and said all would be revealed in due course and all that and he disappeared. I shouted out "WHY ME?"
I could hear his voice: "Who else is there?"