Spawn traverses the ghetto with many other famous characters to save James Hetfield.
A not so long time ago in a ghetto down the street there lived Spawn, Stephen King, James Hetfield, Jeff Dunham, and a black dragon called Alex Trebek, collectively known as Nupharius Bassturdz. They were all chillin’ at James Hetfield’s double-wide trailer made out of Metallica Albums. Yes, even the fucking toilet.
They were all sitting there playing Wii Gynecologist when Jeff Dunham got really fucking pissed off and smashed the T.V. with the solid gold nun chucks. Spawn got pissed at him and shoved Peanut down his throat until he died. He then proceeded to rape his body while singing “So What” by Metallica.
Stephen King was freaking out so he pulled out some weed and said, “Les all jus’ chill the fuck out ya’ll and smoke some of my shit yo!” They all started to pass around a 2 yard long doobie and commenced smoking the freaking shit out of it. Alex Trebek passed out and James Hetfield drew a penis on his forehead.
Then Chuck Norris busted through the door and kidnapped James Hetfield screaming, “HIS MUSIC IS BETTER THAN ME!!!!”
“Holy fuck nigga!” yelled Stephen King. “They jus tooked Jameses.”
“We gotta do something bout this niggaz!” Spawn yelled. And thus they began they’re epic journey through the ghetto world to rescue someone who could be possibly the greatest everything known to man and save the world… after a quick game of Doobie Kong.
One game turned into a tournament, who the winner would lead the crew to rescue James. Spawn won because this story has his name in the title. Maybe it should be called The Ghetto Adventures of Jeff Dunham… but he’s dead. So Spawn wins by default.
Anyways…back to the main Gangsta-ass tale. Spawn took all his homies and loaded them all up in his 1994 U.S. Postal truck with aluminum foil spinnaz and proceeded to haul ass. They first stopped at the Handy Way because Alex Trebek was thirsty as fuck. They stopped in and got 4 cases of Ghetto Champagne.
Someone spiked Spawn’s Kool-Aid with acid and the bad thing was he was driving. “HOLY SHIT NIGGAS!!! I SEE A FUCKING DEMON Squirrel DICK HEADING RIGHT AT US!!!” He ran the thing over but it turns out that it was Obama who was giving a speech about how to get the rest of the black terrorists out of the ghetto.
Obama’s demon brain splattered all over the windshield. Or rather what was inside his head, which conveniently for the windshield was nothing, as we all know. Then out of nowhere all the black terrorists unleashed a new threat.
An army of ghetto robot NAZIS! They were made out of rap albums so no one would be sad when they were destroyed. And they’re heads were made out of grape drink cans. Spawn floored the Mail-Delivery 9000 and stopped it all of a sudden which caused the robots to smack into the back of then van.
Alex Trebek hopped out of the Mail-Delivery 9000 and went on to combat the Robot Nazis the only way he knew how… by asking them random trivia. Being ghetto, they cared nothing for his feeble attempts to destroy them, so they tore his fucking head off while chanting “That’s what you get for confusing us every night at 6:00 p.m. on NBC… or whatever damn network it comes on!!!”
Stephen King then jumped out and whipped out his pencil and destroyed all over the Ghetto Robot Nazis by using it as a samurai sword, proving that the pen is at least as mighty as the sword… but they’re ghetto; they don’t know what that shit means.
After the fight was over, Stephen King noticed that Spawn didn’t do anything through the entire fight.
“What the fuck, Spawn?! Where were you??? You made me fight GHETTO ROBOT NAZIS with a fuckin’ pencil!!!”
Spawn didn’t know what to say. “I told you I had to pee…”
“NO YOU DIDN’T!!! I was there and you didn’t say SHIT!!!”
“I was busy running. I had to pee really bad and didn’t want you to see my dick… unless you wanna see it…”
“… No, not now. We have to keep looking for James.” They hopped back inside the van and started blasting the original Power Rangers’ theme song. Soon they came across a bleeding, black lady on the side of the road.
Spawn stopped and got out to see if she was alright. He honestly didn’t care but he was going to pickpocket her while he was doing it. He then realized it was Oprah. “You…you do exist….” Spawn ran up to her and curb stomped her bitch ass down to China. “Being fat is not a thyroid problem!!! QUIT MAKING EXCUSES!!!” he yelled. He then grabbed her head and stuck it on his hood as a hood ornament… Did I mention that the Mail-Delivery 9000 is covered in barbed-wire? Oh, well… it is.
Stephen King gave him a high-5 and they continued on to find James AKA the savior of the Universe. They were driving along when they saw a suspicious looking house. They stopped outside of it and sounded their ghetto doorbell, meaning the just honked the horn of their car.
All of a sudden they realized why the house looked suspicious. All of the members of Coldplay came out. Spawn was shocked. “FUCK YOU!!!” He screamed as loud as he could. It was so loud that it opened a riff in space and time. It sucked Coldplay all the way to Pluto where they froze to death after their heads exploded. Somewhere a child was laughing.
They searched the house and found a pamphlet advertising Chuck Norris’ Ghetto Confederacy Campaign. “He wants to use Jameses’ special powers to take over the ghetto!” Stephen King yelled.
“Yo, that shit is wack nigga!” Spawn yelled. “We gotta save his white ass!”
“Hell yeah,” Stephen King said. “But there’s 2 metaphorical hataz in our way. 1, We don’t know where the fuck he is, and 2, we can’t do this alone. We need more homies!”
“Who do you have in mind?” Spawn asked as they headed back to the truck.
“I don’t know, somebody with a lotta power.”
“You can’t possibly mean…”
“Yes. Bring in The Todd.”
Spawn got down on his knees and slit his wrists. Blood poured around him and he screamed. “I CALL YOU FORTH ALMIGHTY CREATOR!!! WE NEED YOUR GUIDANCE AND YOUR FUCKING AWESOMENESS!!!”
The sky cracked into two and a lightning bolt shot down and landed in front of Spawn. And there in all of his almightiness was Todd McFarlane the creator of Spawn. “Yes my son,” he said to him.
“We need your help damnit! Chuck Norris fuckin’ kidnapped James Hetfield!” Spawn said.
“Holy fuck! James Hetfield, the most powerful man in the entire Universe. The Faggot Norris must be stopped. I will help you Spawn. I will tell you where The Faggot Norris lives but that is all, for the Comic God’s will let me do no more. The Faggot Norris lives in the Neverland Ranch with his boyfriend Michael Jackson’s corpse.”
“Thank you oh mighty Todd,” Stephen king said as Todd McFarlane rose back up into the heavens. He looked at Spawn, “Now let’s fucking do this shit.” They hopped in the Mail-Delivery 9000 and drove to the Neverland Ranch in Santa Barbara County in California.
On the way there they saw Charlie Scene, McTwisty, Alexi Laiho, Mr. T, a hornless Unicorn, and Bob Marley charging into a hotel with determined looks on their faces. The Nupharius Bassturdz waved at them. They waved back at our heroes. Then they kept driving.
They finally reached the snow covered Neverland Ranch and busted down the doors of the mail delivery van, epically might I add. They walked through the cold and stopped in front of the door. “Do you think we should knock?” Stephen King said.
“Fuck that.” Spawn said and started going around back. He found something very disturbing. He saw Chuck Norris fucking the undead shit out of Michael Jackson’s zombie-corpse. Stephen King, the master of horror, then proceeded to project vomit-like substances out of his mouth. Chuck Norris turned around and screamed like a 2 year old baby who just pissed themselves. He quickly pulled up his pants and sent Michael Jackson’s zombie to kill our heroes.
Spawn pulled out his gangsta chain made of gold doused in holy water and bitch slapped Michael Jackson so hard with it is head fell off. His body fell to the floor and Chuck Norris ran inside the house. Spawn and Stephen King chased after them, Stephen King whipping puke off of his chin.
They busted the door down and saw James Hetfield. He was chained to a chair and being forced to listen to “Poker Face” by Lady Gaga. “Quick Spawn, break them damn chains.” Stephen King yelled. Spawn ran over to him and broke the chains and ripped the headphones off of him.
James Hetfield let out a scream of relief in the form of the lyrics of “The Shortest Straw” by Metallica. Chuck Norris leaped from the rafters and landed in front of them.
Chuck Norris pulled out a deck of cards and said, “Come on Hetfield, I’ll defeat you once and for all.”
James Hetfield also pulled out a deck of cards and said, “You’re on faggot. How do you wanna do this?”
“First card draw. Whoever has the better card wins.” Chuck Norris said.
“Fair enough, you draw.”
Chuck Norris looked sure of himself as he pulled out a card and laid it down. “ I CHOOSE YOU TOGEPEI!!!!!!” Togepei from Pokémon magically appeared. Chuck Norris laughed an evil laugh.
James Hetfield shook his head and drew his card. He laughed louder. He played Obelisk the Tormentor from Yu-Gi-Oh. Obelisk Magically appeared.
“Oh shit,” Chuck Norris said. Obelisk walked over to Togepei and pissed fire on it. Chuck Norris got on his knees and started crying. “Lemmy!!!! I NEED YOU!!!!!”
Lemmy, the extremely faggish bassist/lead singer of Motörhead, jumped down from the ceiling and pulled out his Wal-Mart brand bass guitar. He started to play. It was horrible and James Hetfield nor Spawn nor Stephen King could stand it.
“CALL HIM JAMES!!!! USE YOUR AWESOME UNIVERSE SAVING ABILITIES!!!!” Stephen King yelled.
James Hetfield put his hands together and looked as if he was praying. He mumbled the words, “Dear Kirk Hammet, AKA God, please send me an angel to destroy this horrible bassist. We need your help.”
All of a sudden the roof of the mansion was ripped off. The sky turned red and Kirk Hammet answered James’s prayer…In the form of Cliff Burton, Metallica’s long dead original bassist. He floated down from heaven with demon wings and a bass made of gold.
He was playing an amazing bass solo when he touched the ground. Lemmy stopped playing his shit and watched. His mouth dropped open at Cliff Burton’s fucking awesome skills. “STOP!” Lemmy screamed.
Cliff Burton stopped playing and said, “What motherfucker?”
“Let’s do this the right way. A fuckin’ bass off.”
“Fine.” Cliff Burton raised himself in the air and started fucking tearing it up. Lemmy started to play but it was even more horrible because he was hurried and frantic. Then the spirit of Janne Wilman appeared and started playing a floating keyboard next to Cliff Burton. All together the fucking awesomeness was too much for the Faggot Norris.
AKA they blew his fucking head off with awesomeness. Seriously, his motherfucking head exploded. Lemmy looked at Chuck Norris. His head was a pile of meat on the ground next to his dead body.
Lemmy looked up as Stephen King, Spawn, James Hetfield, and Cliff Burton were all walking towards him with pissed off looks of murder and insanity on their faces. Stephen King stabbed him in the ear with his pencil. Cliff Burton smashed his ball sac with his bass. James Hetfield then commenced skull fucking Lemmy through his eye socket.
Finally Spawn walked over to him and tore him in half with sheer strength. They were all covered in blood and dirt and sweat…and amazingness. “It’s finally over…” Stephen King said. “I’m gonna make that shit into a fuckin’ amazing ass story and write under the name RedCthulhu…”