It's strange how you can feel something, and not know you're feeling it. Whether it's your sexuality, or growing to trust someone. Or growing apart.
You never know until it's either too late, or something happens that makes you realise.
Sometimes, it's a horrible feeling. Sometimes, it's a good feeling.
But I'm just confused.
Seb says the way I'm acting reminds me of himself before he realised that he's gay.
Anna thinks I fancy someone.
"You sit in a group that has five guys in it. It's the only explanation."
When I point out some of the guys' ages, she says that it doesn't matter how old they are.
At some point, I realise that what's going on with me is commonly described as puberty.
It's not really something I've given much thought to. I mean, I know all the basics that you get taught during sex education, but I've never considered what it means for me personally.
It dawns on me when I'm getting undressed for the shower, and I catch sight of myself in the mirror while I'm just in my underwear.
Frowning, I study myself curiously.
It's strange, but the first thing I see is that my bra straps are loose. So I tighten them, and as I do it lifts my breasts and creates a sort of line between them.
That makes me notice the line that runs down my torso, like a seam.
Tracing this makes the curve at my waist apparent, and after close inspection I decide that it makes me look slightly uneven.
I see the slight outline of my ribcage, and realise with a small gasp that I am almost as thin as Seb.
I turn to see that my shoulder blades are quite prominent and that there is a sort of dint in my back where my spine is.
I trace my collarbone and my jawline.
My hair is at my waist and the curls make it big and bushy.
A step closer to the mirror highlights my awful complexion, and my eyes seem babyishly big.
I smile and notice that my teeth aren't straight, and I look for too long and then my smile looks like a grimace. My lips are too big.
Then my hands, on which my nails are chewed to a horrendous state. My palms and the soles of my feet are a few shades lighter than the rest of my skin.
And it's so strange. It's the first time I've really known what I actually look like.