A Difficult Apology


I’m sorry.

Words fail me.

I feel your pain.

More than you can imagine.

My dreams have turned into nightmares.

Peace of mind has become a stranger.

There’s a stranger in the bed we shared.

I don’t recognize myself when I’m there without you.

Our kitchen table stands unused since the day you left.

I can’t stand to sit there in that painful, deafening silence.

Everything I try to cook turns to ash in my mouth anyway.

Everyone I see in the street reminds me of you… every… single… person.

I don’t listen to the radio anymore; each song is a memory of you.

I tried calling you every day for the last month but couldn’t find the courage.

I wrote you one hundred letters and ripped each one apart before the right words came.

One weak moment caused all of this pain and misery and I am so sorry my love.

Cheaters never prosper - isn’t that a lesson I should have learned before I could declare myself a man?

You deserved more than a broken heart from the man you entrusted with your darkest secrets and deepest dreams.

You deserved a Prince Charming, to be treated like the queen you are, with a real life happily ever after.

Instead you got me, the villain in the fairy tale, and you were the victim of my casual cruelty and thoughtlessness.

I know that the words that can make this right do not exist but I want you to know I suffer too.

That I did not escape this mess without scars, that I am not in some happy place that is free from nauseating pain.

I don’t tell you this hoping for your pity, as though you would be still capable of such a thing after all of this.

These words are meant to bring you solace and perhaps joy but I know, even now, you’re not the type to rejoice in my torment.

You were always above such petty puerile penchants - I was the weak one who travelled the low road so often that its dirt turned to mud.

Does it help you at all to know that she meant nothing to me then and means even less now or does that just make it worse?

That night was never about your failings as a wife or her destructive beauty; it was always about me, my blind desires and my shortcomings as a husband.

Do not think these words, this acceptance of guilt, comes easily to my fingertips as though it were a release, a letting go… I cannot ever let this go.

Each word, every letter weighs on me as though I were laying on the ground and you were piling them on me like rocks, my transgression crushing me to death.

But I will not take the easy way out - my life will not end a single breath before the moment that was chosen by the Lord above when I was born.

I will carry this burden with me every single step of the way; I will never cast it aside for I know that I owe you at least this and undoubtedly more.

I hope with all my heart that you will not carry the stain of my foolishness on your soul any longer than it takes you to read these feeble, insufficient words I offer.

I pray that the next man you allow into your life will respect you like I could not, love you like I should have and be the companion and partner you thought I was.

If you are still reading, and I would not blame you in the least if you have already tossed this in the fireplace, thank you for granting me these last few minutes of your time.

For they will be the last that I take from you - you will not hear nor read another word from me and I hope that thoughts of me and my sins never cross your mind again.

Goodbye my love, my heart, my soul, my one and only; though I understand that they are not nearly enough to mend your wounds, I offer these humble words to you one final time: I am sorry.

The End

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