I couldn't do a thing. It took a few minutes where I swear I couldn't feel a single heartbeat in my chest, not to mention that tingling, head-exploding headache. The best thing I had going for me is I hadn't puked. Because then surely the guy next to me would have puked, he already looked like he was about to blow. And sooner or later everyone would be puking, and the smell would fill up the cabin and and already disgusting situation would have been worse. Throw in vomit smell in any situation and it's worse.
Disgusting is a perfect word for the whole scene. I stood up,and then kneeled on my seat to look around. If i was going to die I was not going let a stained fabric seat cover be my last vision.
And the tears, from the kids and the mothers, from the old lady and the fat guy who had to take up two seats in the back row. Such agony and fear, a disgusting display of all of the worst emotions we fragile humans have to suffer now and then amplified and stacked upon one another, a black air, a stifling odor of grief.
And then there was the heroes, pacing the aisles, banging on the cockpit doors, as if any one of them can fly a busted plane any better than the trained pilots can.
The clinging was the worst, the pairs in tight hugs, clutching at each other like all they could do to make for a good death is to die fused together like that, so their souls won't separate after their bodies break apart on impact.
Maybe I should have been sitting down, thinking about my folks or the girl I just started seeing. (I did at one point happen to replay the particularly depraved evening we spent together last night, a little lighness in all of this agony.) But it made me sick imagine my life ending. Watching the rest of them was the only thing keeping me from saying my mental goodbyes.
The noise was the worst, a blending of "Oh God, please God, I love you, why, we're gonna make it, unbelievable, sob, no, no, hold me and this can't be happening."
I felt sick again. This had to stop, something had to change. So I screamed.
"IT"S ONLY A MOVIE."
And then I sat down and hoped whomever was watching this felt a little bit better.