The Fear Of Loneliness Chapter 1. How It All Began..

Basic sum-up of the feelings caused by the complicated love-life of a 16 year old girl and her bed-bound, life-broken 14 year old boyfriend..

I never dreamed that things would end up this way, not once. Not ever. Yet, it felt so real it was becoming surreal. Since I was a mere child I promised myself to never feel that dark empty loneliness for however long I shall live. However, I feared that promise would never be kept.

Oh how my fear became a heart-shattering reality.

 As each day slowly passed by, I myself was slowly slipping into that dark shadow I cast upon myself as a foolish child, and too long I was left on my own to suffer like that, now I am psychologically scarred.

I force myself to hide the wounds from that side of my life inside the depths of my memory, in order to try and for fill my lifelong dream of happiness with the people I love and care for, but in doing so I created a barrier around me as a form of protection from those who didn’t know me. Only the people I learned to trust would be able to see through my bubble. However, one person managed to reach through the barrier and offer a path to the light. I put all my faith and trust into his being, yet things ended in a rough way, a way in which I will most likely never recover from.

He has his own problems, and he gave them up to try and help me survive through each of those next days without falling deeper into my personal confinement. I believe by this point, he had had enough.

Two months before this very day, is when my foundations fell apart.

He wished to be more free to talk to his friends, go out more, be cured from his life-breaking illness so he could be seen no longer as a family burden. Yet, from the point he said that, his condition had worsened, and his body was slowly becoming more and more unable to fight the stress back. After to solution for the situation was found and placed into action I believed we would be free to see that light of hope at the end of the dark tunnel once again. It never did turn out that way.

I tried everything I possibly could to try and show him I was still going to be there through everything, and when he was better I would have my arms open to receive his person once more, but it never seemed like it was enough to convince him. As a weakened, fragile body consumed by a lost hope, he needed someone to be there. I tried and I tried for what felt like a lifetime to help him find that path out of the darkness. He only wanted my happiness, even though all the pain he was suffering prevented him doing that. I knew what would make me happy, and that was to be rid of my returned loneliness. The only way I was going to be able to find the right path out of my hole once again, was by receiving his love.

That was no longer such a simple task. As he was sick, the mere thought of showing me the love I needed was out of the question. Realisation of this hit my emotions like a ton of bricks, crushing me under their immense weight and strength like the dark depth of the loneliness which began to consume me one more.

The End

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