dedicated to a friend that helped me a week before their own suicide.
They suicide is cowardly.
They say it’s an easy way out.
They try to stop you by saying look at all the stuff you will miss out.
They say look at what you are leaving behind.
I say they don’t know me. They don’t know my life. They don’t know what I’m going through. And how could they?
What if I have already traveled to all the places I want to?
What if I have already gone to school and got an education?
What if I have a job I enjoy?
What if I already found the love of my life?
What if I have done everything I have set out to do?
I have been everywhere I want to go, I have seen what I wanted of the world, ever place I visited disgusted me more and more in human nature.
I have busted my ass to graduate early from high school and have a good college education. I found it to be mind numbing and them shaping my obscure creative wild thinking brain into a boring exact replica of what they want me to be.
I have a job in a field I am passionate about and wouldn’t want to do anything else. I find it depressing and though it can be rewarding I feel I am robbing people and giving them hope whenever I tell them their dog/cat is dying and unless you pay for this multiple thousand dollar surgery you pet has no chance of living and with it there is a 20% chance they will live another year. Everyone pays. No one wants to lose anything.
I found the love of my life and we were amazing together. We broke up due to separate life choice and views and it has been years and I still love him.
I have volunteered at senior centres and helped the poor. I have bungee jumping and ziplining. I have been snorkelling and snowboarding. There is nothing more I want to do.
These thoughts go through my head a million times a day. I have justified my actions for months. I know what I want. I want to be brave enough to say I have had enough, I don’t want to watch those I love die, I don’t want to keep working my job to pay bills for a house too large for me but I have grown fond of. I don’t want to worry about what horrors are in the future. What is so wrong with leaving peaceful with knowing I am happily leaving?
I sit here on my bathroom floor with my many options in front of me. They only thing I haven’t planned.
I can take a few bottles of sleeping pills, I can fall asleep and dream forever. I heard it can make your stomach hurt though
I can make sure it is over instantly and just blow my brains out, but that would leave a big mess and stain the beautiful white bathroom tiles.
I can fill the tub up to the top with water and slip into its warm, wet embrace. I’m worried I wouldn’t stay under long enough though.
I could hang myself from my ceiling van and spin round and round, but I get dizzy to fast and there are too many things i could latch onto when human nature to struggle kicks in.
I live by a beautiful mountain with a great trail to hike I could easily go up for a nice walk in the sunshine and jump down and watch the view all the way, though I am worried about what happens upon impact.
Trains go by my place every hour I could jump infront last second it would be fast no time to chicken out once I’m there, but I know the people down the block want to move and i could destroy the real estate for them.
I could go back to the tub and drop a toaster in the water, might be fun, but would I cause a power outage on my block?
So many choices. What one is right? I weigh the options, the pros and cons. Unlike most things I can only do this once.
I make the choice I think will least impact people and stand up. I sneak a glance at myself in the mirror. knotted mangled brown hair. Blotchy pale skin. I should fix that, I want to look somewhat okay for this occasion.
I strip out of my fuzzy blue pajammas and turn the shower on. The hot water is calming, memorizing. I wash my hair and catch a wiff of my odor as I life my arms up to scrub my hair. I rinse out the shampoo and and grab my passionfruit soap and pour it heavily on my sponge, no use saving any of it. I wash up and turn the shower off. I then proceed to blow dry and straighten my hair and apply a good amount of make up. I get dressed in my favourite blue jeans and mint green blouse, pull my converses on and step out into the cool autumn air.
I take a deep breath in and admire the beautiful ground covered in leaves. I start walking towards the trail going out of my way to step on any leaves that look crunchy. Within half an hour I’m at the trail head going up the mountain. I know I have made the right choice and i start tthe hour long hike up. I hum along the way, I didn’t bring anything with me I didn’t see the point.
As I approach the top I hear sobbing. Faint at first but very quickly becoming louder and louder. I won’t be alone up here. As I step out of the trail onto the first peak of the mountain and into the clearing I see a young teenage boy standing at the edge crying.
I step carefully closer and ask, “Hey.. are you okay?"
Startled, he jumps back and looks at me in horror.
“I know you don’t know me but if something is wrong you can talk to me, it could help."
He takes in a nervous, shaky breath, “No, this is something I have to do alone. Nothing will help.” He takes a step closer to the edge again.
“Look. you don;t have to do this. I mean I have no fucking idea what is wrong, but your young! Step back and just let me talk to you for 5 minutes then decide what you want to do, don’t leave me with a guilty conscious."
He doesn’t look at me but nods his head slowly and steps back a few feet and sits down, head between his knees.
I sit down a foot infront of him. “Listen kid, I know as an adult you don’t think I have been where you are. We all have shit going on in our life. It sucks right now but its true what they say, time does help. You cannot control what others do but you can control what you do. Don’t let anyone get the benefit of knowing they won weather it is bullies or your parents coming down hard on you or your own personal demons. Do not let them win. You will always be stronger if you choose to be. If you are determined there is no way in hell to escape this, this won’t be fixed in 20 years, I have nothing to live for, nothing I still want to do then fine. But I seriously doubt you have nothing you want to do. No other way out. Think of how much those who do care about you will miss you. You may think this is the best choice but it’s not. Don’t do it. You will regret it the second you take that last step off. And there will be no taking it back. Don;t do it today. Go home. Think over what I said, And if in a month if things arent even a hair better, if you cant think of one person to miss you, one last thing you want to do, come back. But not today. I won’t let you. "
He looks up at me with red eyes burned from crying. He nods. He gets up and walks to the trail, just before heading down he turns and says “Thank you” and that is all. He is gone and I am alone.
I walk to the edge. I think of what I just told him. Im hypocrite. But None of that stuff relates to me. This is what I truly want. I send a silent prayer out to this boy and step off the edge. The wind slaps me in the face on my way down and everything is a blur. Not the view I wanted. The ground is approaching to fast I have no time to admire what I am doing. The ground is only seconds away when I think I wish I had something to still live for, someone to stop me.