At between 8:30am and 8:44am this morning, ten of East Wallingford's finest fast food outlets were stampeded by a terrifying rush of stringy human bodies. One Jewish restaurant owner said he was "scared out of his vits" when he saw a human tsunami rolling down at neck breaking speed towards his newly installed glass doors. "I spent a bloody fortune getting some style into da place and all I get is a svarm of putzes. Oy veh." he lamented. He and the rest of the fast food outlets have had to close their doors until further notice.
In East Wallingford the numbers of vegetarian converts soared to great heights not long after the one and only Sixties Revival Fest in 2002 that was held in West Wallingford. Apparently this brought about an inner mind- body awareness that consequently put partakers in touch with their bodies. It is estimated that 91% of those festival goers had turned either vegan or vegetarian overnight, though a handful may have already been this way inclined before the event.
The strange outcome of this morning's incident is that all the outlets were wiped clean of their stock. What was seen as a robbery en masse by a crowd of hungry people, was actually a maraud of mad vegetarians who had lost their marbles. It was all over so quickly that no one is quite clear yet what actually happened. Most of the now ex-vegetarians got away. Luckily some policemen who only got slightly trampled in the stampede managed to arrest a dozen or so of the criminals. The arrested are incarcerated while pychological tests are being carried out. Some were hurt in the shuffle and are mumbling words about kill the cow, eat the cow.
The restaurants in question didn't want to be named and the mayor is asking for any one who has further information to come forward and shed light on the matter. He has offered a reward of a choice of 10 months supply of either burger or soya patties.