Vicar exorcises self, dies

On Tuesday, an unfortunate exorcism resulted in the death of East Wallingford’s resident exorcist and demon-killer, Fr. Beals E. Bubb, Vicar of St. Lucifer’s Church for the Fallen. Fr. Bubb was fifty-one at the time of death.

Fr. Bubb was famous all over East Wallingford for his powerful exorcisms and conversion pamphlets. He was most known for his exorcism of little Emily Rose resulting in merely three fatalities and one completely repentant demon. Fr. Bubbs technique was unique in the fact that he would first threaten the demon or other satanic power with candy and then entice them into a life of church servitude as parishioners of St. Lucifer’s.

Sadly enough, it was one of his parishioners that paid him back in kind.

On Sunday, eyewitnesses report that immediately after the powerful sermon that Fr. Bubb delivered about cleaning prison toilets, one of his regular parishioners, a spirit known merely as  Shizzle M. Nizzle, sprang onto the lectern and possessed Fr. Bubb. Fr. Bubb immediately went into convulsions, foaming and other standard possessed behaviour. The eyewitnesses also state that strangely enough the vicar took precisely that moment to reveal what he had eaten for breakfast, though some think that might have been involuntary. It was however interpreted as a cry for help which the parishioners couldn’t respond to as they were held by a chain-linked fence on their pews, a precaution that Fr. Bubb had added to improve the decorative ability of St. Lucifer’s.

An eyewitness, a goat-demon called Baaadass told us that for two whole days Fr. Bubb grappled with the spirit. It was so horrifying that some of the demons had to eat popcorn and Coke to keep their eyes on the gruesome spectacle unfolding in front of them.

At around this time, Fr. Bubb got back enough motor control to try to exorcise himself by dunking his head in the baptismal pool near the altar. As another eyewitness, a gay spirit called Anton stated, “It must have been a wordless exorcism on account of the father never said things like ‘In Nominae Partridge’ or ‘Gay-men’ or any other standard exorcism jargon. He just burbled.” Some insouciant spirits claimed that it might have been less an exorcism and more a suicide attempt, but the Church has shot down these claims stating that Fr. Bubb was a devout Presleyan and would never had thought of committing suicide while working in the name of the King. Tassel Graceland, PR head for the Church of the Second Coming of Presley, otherwise known as the Presleyans had this to say, “I just have this to say, it’s a real sordid affair, the King wouldn’t have liked it all, it causes me and all the demons at St. Lucifer’s a lotta Heartbreak Hotel, thank you, thank you very much, thank you.”

The morally-challenged [News-flash: you could get sued for saying ‘evil’] spirits at St. Lucifer’s only had good things to say about Fr. Bubb. “He was like the warden in the Shawshank Redemption. I’m glad he’s dead. We’re gonna miss him, but I hope that he’s with Dad now. Gay-men to that.” Were a few of the comments received by this reporter.

 

Fr. Bubb will be interred at at Shady Graves Funeral Home for the Dead tomorrow at 5 pm in the evening.

Applications for the post of town exorcist have now been invited. Those interested may apply to the Papal Emissary for Exorcism (PEE) near Jed’s All-Nite Nick-Nacks And Liquor on Parmesan Street.

 

 

Arma Geddonouttahere, Religious Correspondent  

The End

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