It has just been announced by the Institute that children in East Wallingford are officially the largest consumers of DoubleDoubleBurgersTM in the entire universe!
The burgers, which are made from reconstituted chicken and possum fat with a hint of 'we have no idea' - are the greasiest and most processed fast food in the Wallingford area, with two slices of extra-fat string cheese, two of the above burgers and of course layers of refried onions and two gerkins - all topped with the customers choice of special sauces, purple, red or green (which admittedly taste the same but are different textures and colours and the green one does sometimes become reanimated and attack the diner).
Each burger contains three hundred thousand calories and sixty times the daily recommended fat and sugar intake for those beefy bodybuilders that you can see pumping the guns on the beach.
It has been reported that one child who ate one of these burgers on the way back from school has been treated for strain in his/her arms and back and is on a complete detox diet of three carrot sticks and a stalk of celery until their weight has been stabilised - and they are on the waiting list behind other children in East Wallingford for the new drastic surgery that the brilliant Dr. Hyasrfgr has pioneered past normal regulations and extreme regulations in the recent light of this outbreak of the obese virus.
Dr. Hyasrfgr is the leading specialist in the obese virus and believes this horrible disease the be found only in the most saturated fats and polysaccharides - so his pioneering surgery removes 99.9% of the stomach, intestines and liver until the patient can only eat three grams of sugar and a carrot stick a day with a dosage of twelve multivitamins and minerals every four hours. Every patient who has received this treatment has lost weight dramatically and is now working for the doctors second cousin thrice removed who is the most influential fashion designer in West Wallingford.
Incidentally Dr. Hyasrfgr is the new owner of DoubleDoubleBurgersTM and has since trebled the daily sales of the mega burger.
One child in East Wallingford has stated, whist being rolled from his classroom to an industrial crane to be taken back to the hospital, "The burgers are tasty, I had the purple sauce and the green sauce. It was funny to watch the two fight on my bun but the green one won."
It has also been alleged that children are buying these burger simply to watch multiple sauces fight - and betting on the winners!
But even in West Wallingford, things could not be worse! They have brought out the TripleTripleBurgerTM and are launching next week - what happens? We can only hope for the life-saving slimming surgery of Dr. Hyasrfgr.
Reported by Bambalina - Health Columnist for the East Wallingford Chronicle.