Town Nominated for Intergalactic Award

East Wallingford hairdressers were up in arms this week in the wake of the sensational announcement that neighbouring scum-hole West Wallingford had been confirmed as the Milky Way's nominee for the title of Best Coiffed Town In The Universe.

Heralded by West Wallingford mayor, Ivor Thrush-Scratchett as an achievement to "eclipse the lunar landings" in historical significance, there has since been considerable speculation from local scientific experts and quiff-teasers alike over the authenticity of his claims.

Prominent East Wallingford bouffant-botherer Algernon Bangs, self appointed mouthpiece for the newly-formed protest movement People United For Fairness and Transparency in Intergalactic Endowment Selections (P.U.F.F.T.I.E.S.), was positively livid at the news, in a rather fetching puce Dior man-smock with matching Cuban-heeled plimsoles by Enrique DeFlange of Beverley Hills.

"I am positively livid", he simpered, "I mean this is just pippy-poppycock, isn't it my lovely? Have you even seen the state of the scalpy sculptings that pass for arty partings in West Wally-folly? I mean, it's just crimmy-criminal, my angel - you'd lolly-loathe it, you would. All us Puffties agree that there's something shady-wady about this whole bizzy-business - everybiddy-body knows they're all bertie bald or ginny ginger over there anyway - sometimes both, my duckie-dingdong!"

At time of going to press the specific selection criteria for the award was still unclear, as were the names and locations of other nominated towns on the shortlist but Mayor Thrush-Scratchett, in a drab, sick-coloured ensemble by K-Mart, was quick to dismiss allegations of fictionalising the entire event.

"My sources are sound", wheezed the freckly slaphead, "I can guarantee you that this is a an extremely real and very official event and that everything about this event that we have made up so far is true - uh, that is to say that... everything is true... about us - having made it so far up... in this event. Yes."

"I have several interplanetary liasons officials working incredibly closely with some little green gentlemen at this very moment, finalising delivery arrangements for the trophy, which, I might add, is stupendously large and very, very big and gold and nice - far superior, I would expect, than anything East Wallingford has. So there."

"Unfortunately, Intergalactic red tape prevents me from disclosing any further details at this time but it goes without saying that all of West Wallingford is supremely thrilled to be so very much better than you lot at just about everything once again", the sweaty egg concluded.

A swift response to Thrush-Scratchett's messy verbal diarrhoea is expected later today from dynamic East Wallingford Mayor, King Jason Eisenherz, who is rumoured to have already ordered a special investigation into the matter, to be carried out by top mayoral aides, Salvatore 'Scissors' DiCastrato and Luigi 'Puts-People-Head-first-Into-A-Bucket-Of-Wet-Cement' Cadenza.

 

 

Gregory Toothbrush - Beauty, Fashion and Intergalactic Affairs Correspondent.

The End

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