Early Wednesday morning, nearly three shoppers at the local "Eats and Greets" food and greeting card store saw a ferret jumping around the produce section. Both agreed to give comments on the frightening and potentially life altering experience.
"He was grey and... and he was black, and one time when I came up to pet him, he barred his teeth at me! It was terrifying! And then I certainly didn't want to take him home anymore!" Ms. Zonules, a blind senior citizen that smelled of Kitty litter told The East Wallingford Chronicle after we promptly convinced her we were not Russian spies. She wishes us all to give her our prayers, and any spare cash we have laying around.
Jack Rubberchicken, the second witness at this horrific scene, changed his mind about speaking to us. When questioned why, he told us he had to go to Dublin, stuck his tongue out at us and fled from the store. If you have any information on this man, please stop stalking him.
The newly installed security camera had an option to be recorded onto a video tape. Unfortunately, even the best efforts of the police department have failed to locate a VCR that still functions. With no solid proof we can not pursue a life sentence for this dangerous animal, but from what this reporter can tell this was one very hungry ferret that enjoyed oranges.
Also, in a completely unrelated story, a tattooed man with an afro is currently looking for his lost pet ferret named Reesa. If you have seen her, please call 555-the-afro.
Docile animal attacks reporter