An angry mob gathered today outside the East Wallingford Law Courts demanding that Edith Vicarsmate be tried for treason, and, when found guilty, punished to the maximum extent of the law. Ms. Vicarsmate, 56, has been the East Wallingford Church Pianist for the last 28 years, succeeding to the post after the previous pianist, Walter Eisenherz, eloped with the Postmistress General.
The story broke when deFenestrate Fotheringgay, president of the PHATties (East Wallingford's Public Humiliation and Tomfoolery society, formerly the trickery, waggery and tomfoolery club) organised a stunt in the West Wallingford Church of St. Physeter intended to be videoed and sent in to the popular television show You've been Maimed! We spoke to deFenestrate outside his parent's ancestral pile next to the East Wallingford Golf Club and Sewage Works.
"Well yes, we'd rigged the church piano so that the lid would fall down during the third hymn, Jerusalem, I think, but we'd glued springs to it as well so it would basically bounce up and down on the pianist's fingers. Would have been a bloody good laugh. I say, you're not really going to call us Phatties, are you?"
The stunt went as planned, and the video camera successfully retrieved by deFenestrate's brother deLicatessen, and it was while it was being reviewed that another Phattie spotted that the West Wallingford pianist was none other than Edith Vicarsmate.
Ms. Vicarsmate, her hands in casts from the multiple breakages to her fingers caused by the bouncing piano lid, looked pale and scared when we called on her for an interview, and would only say that she acted out of Christian charity. Which, of course, we don't believe. She had the bones of small children stuffed down the sides of her sofa and [redacted: Ed]
Justice Frederick Coombes, asked to comment, opined that Ms. Vicarsmate could not be tried for treason as East Wallingford does not have a reigning monarch. The Mayor, Jason Eisenherz, perked up at this point and asked if that was an elected position.