Coffee Beneficial Six A.M. Thru Noon

"Coffee is only beneficial from six am until noon the same day," said Marilyn Van Strumpet, PR Officer for the IDK (Institute for the Dangerously Konfused), opening her latest press conference with a statement guaranteed to make the journalists sit up and pay attention.  Mostly because it was two pm and they'd all been served quadruple espressos as they entered the Milton Stilton auditorium.

"Our best minds have been studying this for several hours now, and their conclusions are incontestable," she continued.  "It is quite clear that the human body has evolved to process caffeine only in the morning; in the afternoon it goes unprocessed in the body and attacks the liver, the lungs, and the lymph nodes."

Two journalists started retching at this point, though it is unclear whether this was an attempt to rid themselves of invidious caffeine or simply in response to Marilyn's smugness.

A question from the floor asked Marilyn what scientific method had been used to find this out.

"We gave several school-children intravenous injections of caffeine throughout the day, each shot equivalent to 47 cups of Starbucks Espresso.  They were fine up until noon, and then they started to deteriorate rapidly, and most of them died."

"We're very sorry about that," she added as an obvious afterthought, "and we've sent their parents vouchers for Red Lobster as compensation."

Questions to the council regarding their policy on caffeine after Marilyn had let the journalists leave produced the following statement from the Mayor's office:

"There's no [expletive deleted] way I'm giving up my [expletive deleted] coffee for no [pejorative arabic word deleted].  Tell that [accurate but unprintable comparison to a lower animal] from me that she can stuff her [expletive deleted] up her [remainder of statement deleted for the public good]."


The End

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