Hundred-Year Old Chestnut Destroys BMW

It is understood that during the early hours of yesterday morning thieves broke into the house of Harriet Foreman of East Wallingford, and stole an antique (by all meanings of the word) 100 year old chestnut from the chest of drawers next to her bed.

During the great escape from the scene the burglars dropped the said chestnut, quite by accident, whilst suspended over the Mrs. Foreman's BMW.

The following events, which caused masses of tired looking eyes this morning and atrocious amounts of coffee to be consumed in haste at the crack of dawn, causing a black out in West Wallingford (serves them right) because the grid can only handle so many kettles at any time.

The actual events - which pale in comparison with the aftermath, where that the alarm of Mrs. Foreman's BMW was set off by the windscreen being cracked, the still undamaged chestnut then hit the keys which were left in the ignition, causing the car to start up and because of faulty wiring, blew the car up...

And all this happened without waking either Mrs. Foreman, Her Husband who sleeps in the spare room or Her lover under the bed, but it caused all the neighbors in the street to wake and complain loudly and wake the remaining residents of East Wallingford.

The reaction was like Dominoes or Chinese Whispers, every time someone was woken, they complained loudly so that the neighbors next door to them woke and complained about what they thought to be the problem.

By the time Residents in West Wallingford were questions a) our reporter couldn't give a damn and b) they're snobby inbred idiots who we hate; but the rumor is that they hear a low rumble of voices saying in Eastern Wallingford accents that the Jelly in the fridge had set to an amusing angle at three in the morning. In short we can assume that these residents of the Wallingford area were terribly upset, but we're upset too, no?

It is now apparent that Mrs. Foreman would have died when she turned on the ignition in the morning, however, she was particularly fond of the chestnut and is suing the burglars over a damaged chestnut (which is still against the law in some parts of East Wallingford), destruction of a family heirloom, hurt feelings, waking up her neighborhood, having people complain about her and she also has a side case about her car needing minor repairs to the paintwork.

She is expecting a hefty sum of £10 for the damaged chestnut and about £200 for the paintwork, but the large sum of the compensation will be from the hurt feelings and waking the neighbors case as the case is expected to give Mrs. Foreman over £200,000 for the waking the neighbors alone, possibly double if Mrs. Foreman can produce the receipts to her tissues expenditure to confirm that she was sufficiently hurt.

Ratius - Law Correspondent No.4675638 for the East Wallingford Chronicle - The reason is unclear but it has some reason to do with my pitiful salary which I understand to be higher than by predesesors... might jack it in next week...

The End

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