To whom this may concern:
There have been various complaints in my neighbourhood regarding an out of control Pit Bull terrier terrorizing smaller pets and toddlers
Some required medical care!
The menacing dog fits the same description in all cases.
He answers to "Mister Wondersnuggle". If you should see him, he is now free to a good home alongside a $20 reward.
Please do not return him.
Name withheld upon request