Spaghetti Really Candy

Scientists at the local Jargon Institute for Research in Sciency Stuff have discovered a shocking home truth. Spaghetti, the lovable noodle food is actually a form of candy.

Dr. P.W. Hurman, Institute Director, briefs us on this revelation and its possible outcomes.

“To tell the truth, we knew this was coming. You know how tomatoes are fruits, and how sweetmeats don’t really contain meat. It’s essentially a similar parsimony that caused spaghetti to be separated at birth from its confectionery brethren. If we go by standard classification, spaghetti seems to be the evolutionary link between licorice and sourpops.

Its all rather too sciency to explain; that’s what we do after all, research the sciency stuff so retards like you don’t have to do it. But take my better educated and more informed word on it, spaghetti can be proven to be a part of the family of candy and associated edibles. Spaghetti has basic DNA strands, by which I mean, if you cut it up and look at it under a telescope, you’ll see small twisted sweets that look like toffees. Even in history, spaghetti, as everyone knows, was invented by the Chinese, who are also responsible for gelatos and chow mein. The connection is evident. The spicier variant was adapted into basic Chinese fare and exists till date as noodles. However, spaghetti traced a different route. At some point in history, spaghetti was used in the West to make the reels of cowboy movies. They were called ‘spaghetti westerns.’ Thus, the popularity of spaghetti spread but being more and more associated with pungent food, especially meatballs, a throwback to the huge cannon-balls prevalent in spaghetti westerns. Spaghetti indeed has a colourful history, and I feel honoured to be able to trace this path.”

On further being probed about the future implications of this tremendous find, Dr. Hurman only said, “ They’re gonna say its bad for you now, because it ruins your teeth. You’ll have to brush after you eat spaghetti. Eventually kids will begin to love spaghetti more than the meatballs. It’s a preset pattern. I can’t predict it all, but yes I can assure you, it will soon be stocked by Nestle.”

The scientists at the Jargon Institute will be presenting their findings to the International Council for Inanities in Science soon.



Ian Boffin, Sciency Correspondent

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