Disgraced actor and East Wallingford lowlife Amadeus Frog was on the comeback trail last weekend as he attended the publication of his new poetry anthology Amadeus Emotes Art, billed as a collection of ponderings and reminiscences from a lifetime in the Hollywood spotlight and which is presented in an unwieldy A3 format, bound in oak and maple and with illustrations by the author.
The self-confessed alcoholic and alleged fish-botherer has had a bumpy ride these past few years following his very public divorce from himself back in 2010. Having caught himself in bed with a mystery woman, the one-time millionaire has been saddled with double alimony payments ever since, neither party accepting blame for the affair or for the breakdown of the marriage.
To compound Frog's monetary woes, a legal ruling also found that he could not touch any of the payments made to his respective selves by himself since it was impossible to determine whether the Frog accessing the money was indeed the intended recipient.
Frog's estranged financial advisor and rumoured ex-love interest Emeric Brainstorm could not be reached for comment at time of going to print but we imagine he'd have had some pithy remark to make about narcissism having a hefty price.
"That's the cost of loving... yourself! Wait, I can do better...", he'd have no doubt clucked smugly.
Sources once close to the troubled ham have revealed that the expenses incurred by the alimony payments led him to turn to the lucrative adult film industry in order to stay in the black and, while his initial titles A.Frog In Your Throat and That's Not A Tadpole In My Pocket enjoyed some modest success, it wasn't long before the novelty wore off and interest in the Frog brand waned yet again.
His final picture for adult production company 21st Century Cox was the entirely disturbing Kermit Does Frog, which insiders say was a less than pleasant shoot for Frog, and the experience, coupled with the picture's disappointing reception upon it's straight-to-DVD release, prompted Frog to turn his back on the film industry, seemingly for good.
Speculation had been rife in media circles that Amadeus had been sold into sexual slavery in Turkmenistan, where he is still a household name, but like the proverbial bad penny, it was at Lucidia Sans' Drive Thru Book Store in his native East Wallingford that the Frog finally resurfaced on Saturday, signing copies of his latest piece of tat for bemused shoppers and members of staff before staging an impromptu and unrequested reading of his work.
Although most East Wallingfordians present at the 'event' were blissfully unaware of the identity of the dishevelled ex-somebody in their midst, midway through proceedings things took an unexpected turn when the remainder of the East Wallingford Amadeus Frog Fan Club for Eligible Bachelorettes And Pets (EWAFFCFEBAP) stormed the building.
Midway through verse 12, stanza 40 of I Seek A Cheese That Doesn't Sweat, a small band of 'Froglodites', including two goats and a catfish named Maurice, threw themselves upon the unsuspecting poet, cutting his rendition short, to rapturous applause from all others in attendance.
In the ensuing melee eyewitnesses claim to have seen the hapless Frog brandishing said catfish in a threatening manner before being overpowered by his amorous assailants. By the time police officers Rover and Patches arrived on the scene to quell the disturbance, some fifteen minutes later, it was sadly too late for Maurice who succumbed to his injuries despite the best efforts of officer Patches to administer mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Mr.Frog was taken to the Lady Noble General Infirmary Abrasions, Nasty Burns and Removal of Sizeable Foreign Bodies Ward for emergency treatment and observation pending further investigation by the EW police force and possible criminal charges including unlicensed public poetry recital and aggravated assault with an amphibian.
Adding intrigue to injury, junior manager at Lucidia Sans' Drive Thru Book Store, Roman Sans, reports that no booking had been made for Mr.Frog to appear at the store. Indeed, the original call made to the East Wallingford police department had been to request the removal of 'a drunken hobo' who was bothering customers.
This reporter for one wishes our favourite son a speedy recovery and a welcome return to the unforgiving glare of the public eye just as soon as the good people at the Lady Noble find a way to remove that big old book.
In the words of the tortured poet himself:
I seek a cheese that doesn't sweat,
I trust no man who doesn't bet,
Swim seas of scotch, or better yet
To drink them dry.
I just need time, is that a crime?
And maybe wine, then I'll be fine.
But most of all don't make me sign
Maybe just one more cheque though, Amadeus - that specialist treatment you'll be needing can't come cheap.
Amadeus Emotes Art is available from selected bookstores now (not including Lucidia Sans') and online at wwww.clearancepoetry.com while stocks last, priced at $195.95.
Ivy Cesspool, East Wallingford Chronicle Entertainment Editor and Dedicated Frog Correspondent