A small crowd of bodyguards gathered today outside the Parmesan Street Orphanage and Sweatshop to witness the Mayor, Jason Eisenherz, unveiling a statue. The bodyguards were reportedly there to keep the peace, and have nothing to do with the rumour that Milton Stilton has been overheard arranging an assassination.
"It is with great [expletive deleted] pleasure that I unveil this statue," said the Mayor pompously, his chest inflated like a pigeon and his toupee starting a gentle slide to the left, unlike his politics. He tugged gently on the rope to free the tarpaulin covering it, and turned away to receive the bottle of champagne with which to christen it.
In the silence that followed the unveiling, the Mayor turned back clutching a Jereboam of Don Chianti, East Wallingford's Brewery's best artificial champagne-flavoured fizzy bleach and said, "They always [expletive deleted] say that champagne is for [expletive deleted] ships, but I say you can smack anything with a bottle!" With an impressive right hook, he broke the bottle over the statue's head, and then stood staring at it in shock. He had unveiled a statue of himself.
Some frantic phonecalls later revealed that the statue's sculptor, Mottrey Squiddish (22), had misread the name of the Orphanage and Sweatshop's founder, Jason Eisenhaende, and had produced a likeness of the wrong person. The statue of the Mayor, shown trampling little children and wielding a cat'o'nine-tails, will remain in place however as the council does not have the budget to remove it.