East Wallingford's police force held a press conference at 12:41am this morning, stating that they felt the news they had to deliver would come across better when it was nice and quiet, the moonlight was shining in through the windows, and decent people were at home and asleep in their beds. The East Wallingford Press Corps, known for their sharpness of wit and impulsiveness where coffee and white powdered substances are concerned, immediately observed that the sole West Wallingford hack in attendance (yawning and chewing on a stale doughnut doubtless extracted from a local dumpster in an act of Grand Larceny) could therefore not be considered a decent person.
Officer Patches opened the proceedings by howling at the moon for twenty minutes until the newly appointed Press Liaison officer, Jennifelch Cheese (sister of the better known Pythagoras Cheese) rapped him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper and clicked start on the PowerPoint presentation deck. A collective shudder went through the room, and silence reigned.
Jennifelch's first slide was an astonishing aerial view of East Wallingford, taken sometime at night with an exposure long enough for the silvery moonlight. This, she told us, was the view that the Cat Burglar would have enjoyed just minutes before slipping the latch to Milton Stilton's window and clambering inside where he (or she!) managed to steal his entire dossier on his parents along with all of his trousers and underpants. Milton has been refusing to leave his appartment so was unavailable for comment on this turn of events.
The second slide showed yet another stunning view of East Wallingford at night, with the Old Brewery on fire in the background and waves of sewage washing brightly in the duckpond. This, Jennifelch assured us, is what the Cat Burglar would have seen immediately prior to scoring a large circular hole in the penthouse window of Lady Noble's fortress-like apartment, stepping lithely across the laser-beam counter-intrusion system, and relieving themselves in an outsize hat box containing every hat ever worn to Ascot by an East-Wallingford resident. The Cat Burglar left with all of Lady Noble's handbags and definitely not with a book of photographs that might be of a sensitive nature. Not at all. Absolutely not.
The remaining slides were of a similar nature, with Ms Cheese waxing lyrical of the beauty of the scenes (unsurprising, since it was East Wallingford!). She concluded the presentation by noting that the police were no longer concerned by the activities of the Cat Burglar since he (or she!) appeared to be acting solely in West Wallingford now. No conclusion, she said, should be drawn that the Cat Burglar had taken everything of value out of East Wallingford and was now moving further afield in search of better prospects. She assured East Wallingford that the Cat Burglaries were definitely on the rise, returning to the slide deck to highlight just how far the Cat Burglar had risen in order to make his (or her!) thefts.
Anyone with any information regarding the Cat Burglar was invited by Officer Patches to present themselves to the St. Teuthis Combined Garden Centre, Crematorium and Insane Asylum where the police have set up a desk to listen to fairy tales.