Local Man Marries Self


Matrimonial history was made in our sleepy hamlet of East Wallingford at noon on Monday when its very own prodigal son, Amadeus Frog, was betrothed to himself in an unusual underwater ceremony at the EW Sealife Centre and Limpet Sanctuary.

At the bride-and-groom's request, invitations had been limited to aquatic personalities and persons of an amphibious appearance only, ensuring an unique feel for the happy occasion.

In attendance were several high-profile celebrity fish, crustacians and sea-mammals, including Dipper, son of Flipper, Esmerelda, Frog's catfish co-star in the ill-fated 'First Tango In Rio', and a six-foot laminated cut-out of Sebastian the lobster, from Disney's ever popular classic 'The Little Mermaid'. Notable absentees included Frog's erstwhile lawyer and confidante Emeric Brainstorm, who it is thought had been overlooked for the role of best man, in favour of the imaginary animated Disney songster.

Speaking from under the bed in his Malibu beach house, Mr. Brainstorm had this to say: "They deserve eachother. I hope he gets himself pregnant, I really do."

The wedding comes just five days after the announcement that the groom's ex-fiancee, Miss Isabella Saddlesore, is to be married in July to his emminence Raikifi Schwoarrang, the king of Butan and one of the world's leading marine biologists.

Needless to say, Miss Saddlesore was not present at what some have labelled a desperate publicity stunt by Frog, designed to quell the tide of catfish abuse allegations that have dogged him since the couple's much-publicised split last year.

Sadly, it is but the latest in a series of bizarre twists in the tale of our once-great matinee idol's ever-deepening decline into obscurity and, some say, possible insanity.

Only last month Frog was spotted slouched in the back row of the West Wallingford Monoplex during the only showing of his final picture for MDF/Plank, 'Gwyneth The Intergalactic Camel', with pencils in his mouth and smothered in fish paste, asking to be addressed as 'Larry the friendly walrus'.

So what are East Wallingford residents to make of the Frog-Frog nuptials? A new beginning of happier times for Amadeus Frog, cynical PR stunt or a desperate cry for help? Only time will tell.

Whatever the truth, East Wallingfordians can rest assured that this reporter will not neglect her duties in bringing you all the juicy details on Amadeus Frog, however perverted and alarming they may become.



Ivy Cesspool - East Wallingford Chronicle Celebrity Correspondent.


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