Walking Catfish Cause Cancellation of Wedding


The 'on-again, off-again' fairytale romance of local heart-throb actor Amadeus Frog and Hollywood starlet Isabella Saddlesore hit another stumbling block on Friday with the announcement of the cancellation of their lavish beach wedding in Swansea, Wales.

Sources close to the couple have revealed that the latest dispute stems from Frog's failure to deliver on specific conditions attached to Miss Saddlesore's acceptance of his proposal in May.

Amadeus Frog's lawyer, and alleged ex-lover, Emeric Brainstorm had this to say:

"Amadeus is distraught. He prays that this latest setback can be resolved as quickly as possible so that the wedding can go ahead as planned. I have been instructed to tell you all that he is still very much in love with Isabella... despite his better judgement and against all advisement. Oh, I should state that that last bit was purely my own opinion. But then everyone knows she's a money-grabbing little tramp anyway, don't they?"

From what we can gather here at the Chronicle, it seems that Frog's by now legendary proposal, made mid-flight whilst the couple and Mr. Brainstorm were ballooning over the Himalayas, didn't quite meet with the rapturous approval from the proposee that we had previously been led to believe.

One source, who prefers to remain unnamed, has claimed that Miss Saddlesore responded by saying she would marry Frog "when catfish could tango", a statement which Frog then had recorded as a legally binding agreement, with his lawyer as witness.

Apparently Friday's wedding cancellation came about after Frog had showed up at Saddlesore's Los Angeles home drunk and carrying a fish tank containing a pair of rare Brazillian catfish.

Rumoured to have spent over $350,000 on dance lessons for the fish, he demanded to be given an audience. When Miss Saddlesore grudgingly relented, she was reportedly subjected to an embarrassing and demeaning display of animal cruelty as Frog attempted to manipulate the creatures using several lengths of fishing wire he had tied to their fins.

Randy Sprout, a close personal friend of Miss Saddlesore witnessed the debacle:

"The guy was stinkin' drunk, man, I mean he was gone. He comes in, all "I love you" and [expletive deleted] and then starts losin' the rag man, you know? So I says "Hey, Bella - you want I should rough him up some?" but Bella, she's a nice girl and all - classy. So she lets him do his bit. So he puts on this corny Spanish [expletive deleted] music and sets this big ass fish tank on the carpet there, and I'm thinkin' "What the [expletive deleted] ?" And then he hides behind the [expletive deleted] sofa! I mean, what a [expletive deleted] weirdo! Next thing we know, these kooky fish are jigglin' around and freakin' out, man! And I mean, no wonder! The guy had tied some [expletive deleted] to them and was pullin' them around like [expletive deleted] puppets from behind the sofa! What a wacko... I gotta admit, though - it did look kinda cool. For a while there he had one of them walkin' around and [expletive deleted] ! But they sure as [expletive deleted] wasn't dancin', no."

Sources close to Miss Saddlesore have confirmed that an incident involving Mr.Frog did occur at her home late on Wednesday night but declined to comment further.

This latest development comes just one week after the well publicised television interview in which Frog revealed that their unusual choice of wedding destination had come about after Isabella had told him of her love for whales. Having misheard her, he rushed to organise the wedding plans as a surprise. In the broadcast, Frog told of his misery when the gaffe came to light and spoke candidly for the first time about his battle with alcoholism.

One can't think how this latest stunt from the lovelorn Amadeus Frog will win him any favour with a woman who, by his own testamony, loves aquatic life. Indeed, perhaps his best bet on winning back a place in her heart is to continue to drink like a fish in the hope that he will eventually become one.

Until that day, all here at the Chronicle wish you well in your battle with the bottle, Amadeus - our very own gin-soaked and, as yet, unkissed fairy-tale Frog prince.



Ivy Cesspool  -  East Wallingford Chronicle Celebrity Correspondent


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