East Wallingford library to sell all books

Local nerds and eggheads were up in arms once again on Tuesday as details came to light of Mayor Eisenherz's plans to cut back public spending on 'luxury' amenities such as library shelving, refuse collection, raw waste treatment and town policing.

While some expressed concern over the very real danger of East Wallingford becoming a shanty town of trash castles, semi-submerged in a sea of our own effluence and ruled over by a race of super intelligent rat-men, or were surprised by Mayor Eisenherz's assertion that 95% of the town's police force could be replaced by dogs at a 100% saving in wages and no drop in standards, the gripey brainboxes somewhat predictably chose to focus on the funding dilemma now facing East Wallingford's Our Lady of the Sacred Hartzia Municipal Library and Dog Track.

Local boffin and egghead-honcho Pythagoras Cheese was among the first to register his dismay on the 'anonymous' comment board Mayor Eisenherz had specially erected for the announcement, as Mayoral aides Castrato and Cadenza carefully monitored proceedings to ensure correct grammar and syntax was upheld.

"The book to shelf ratio in our invaluable community reference centre is woefully unbalanced", wheezed Cheese, "in my own measured estimation, one shelf is less than adequate for the entire canon of mankind's literary accomplishments. For shame, say I... For shame."

Town librarian and illicit cock fight enthusiast Paige Turner had a surprisingly upbeat take on the news of the funding cuts however.

"Way I see it, you work with what you got and I got books", she said, "If and they don't gonna give me no shelves, then I gots to buy me some and that money sure ain't gonna come from no cock fight, that's fer sure. Not now Skeeter's got bad eyes. So I sell me some o' this here book pile and affore and you knows it I'll have all the shelves I need. Matter o' fact I got an offer already from them bigwigs over at the West Wallingford Book Repository for the whole lot that'll give me enough to fill this whole darn place with shelves! Now won't that be somethin'!"

When approached for comment, West Wallingford Book Repository spokesperson Otto Von Sneer confirmed their acquisition of the entire East Wallingford Library resource materials but also moved to reassure concerned East Wallingford brainiacs that, given the circumstances, the WWBR would now be opening their doors to East Wallingford residents for the first time in their history.

So a long overdue olive branch is extended across the bitter Wallingford divide from West to East from the good people at the WWBR and if it means a possible end to the drive-by pea-shootings and Friday night gerbil lynching then perhaps Mayor Eisenherz's penny pinching budget may yet bring us all a brighter future.


Montgomery Clunge, East Wallingford Chronicle Financial and Literary Editor.


West Wallingford Book Repository's special annual membership package for East Wallingford residents is priced at $5,599 per annum plus tax and administration fees. Membership benefits include exclusive book deposit/collection hours of 00:00 to 00:15 on the second Sunday of every other month ONLY, special security passphrase system exclusive to EW residents based on the realistic reproduction of various farmyard animal noises, a generous borrowing limit of up to one book per EW member per visit, with no fines to pay until 24 hours have elapsed from time of borrowing. Fines start at the super low rate of $500 for the first day and then double daily thereafter. Full details of fines can be found on the WWBR website.

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