East Wallingford's own american football team, the Prevaricators, hosted a mini-super bowl event last Sunday at their home ground, Mimsey Park. The grudge match against West Wallingford's team, the Procrastinators, was intended to raise the profile of the sport across Wallingford. The half-time show, modelled on the original SuperBowl, was to feature a swimsuit competition with contestants drawn from the local Brownie packs and music from the St. Teuthis School for the Graphologically Gifted Gregorian Chant Choir. In the event however, they were all upstaged by an unexpected visitor.
Just as the choir were taking the field with the St. Teuthis Syncopated Marching Band stumbling along behind, a bright light glowed on the pitch, and a tall woman with tightly curled black hair and a hare lip appeared on the fifty-yard line. She stiffened her back and shouted,
"I am St. Francine the Misquoted! I've only got ten minutes, but I'd like to clear the record about the things I'm supposed to have said!"
St. Francine the Misquoted is, of course, East Wallingford's Patron Saint. She was killed forty-five years ago in a tragic baptism when she was alleged to have leant over to the bishop of the time and said, "I think your mum's fat and ugly." The bishop reacted badly and held her head under the baptismal waters to purify her tongue, unaware that she was wearing phosphorus-based eye makeup. Later scholars have debated if perhaps she had actually said, "I think the font's a bit wobbly," as the wobbly font indeed collapsed three days later.
St. Francine's introduction was sadly the clearest part of her testament, and she mumbled to her feet for the next ten minutes. People in the audience close to her have said that they heard her say:
"The economy's making me titter for the next three years,"
"Urban Buffalo never made it to eleven,"
and "I never said the new Mayor was sleeping with his fishes."
Local scholars are interviewing people with an aim to finding out what she might have said, and what she might have meant. Jason Eisenherz, newly elected mayor, protested that all his fish are purely ornamental.