East Wallingford was recently honored as the launching point for Urban Buffalo's Uni-Tour, as announced by lead singer Arnold [Aggravated Menacing] Ryan in a televised press conference earlier this week. Quoted as saying, "Course we're gonna start this thing in EW - home of the first bar we got kicked out of. It's sentimental, gotta special place in all our hearts, ya know?", the screamo-fusion band gushed about East Wallingford's loyal fanbase.
Eager citizens spent a record-breaking .000002 million on band-name shirts, horned hats, and collectable buffalo hoof mittens in the weeks leading up to the concert, and western theme graffiti is still on the rise.
Sporting a wooly wig and elaborate face paint, mayor Jason Eisenherz pumped up the restless crowd pressing in at the St. Francine the Misquoted Memorial Park gates. Hearing the starting twangs of "Sanctuary of the Lizard", the mass of humanity and hormones screeched, toppling the iron bars.
Witnesses, after sufficient post-trauma therapy, tell us that the scene was indescribably tragic. While Urban Buffalo had been warming up a Bobcat bulldozer inadvertantly crashed through the bandstand, tilling the band under in mere seconds.
In a later interview the groundskeeper, a Willy McMillan, 42, released a formal statement to the incensed fans: "Ah, crap."
- Archi Teuthis, The East Wallingford Chronicle