East Wallingford residents were in a state of uneasy euphoria at EW Town Hall last Tuesday when newly-elected Mayor Jason Eisenherz announced he had sanctioned the construction of a new adventure theme park to replace our beloved St. Francine the Misquoted Memorial Park, site of the recent Urban Buffalo-Bobcat tradgedy in which several local residents lost an eye.
'ParkWorld' will give fun-seeking locals the chance to experience at first-hand the thrills and spills of an authentically constructed small town park, featuring top attractions such as 'Treetown', 'Duckville Ponderosa', 'Dog and Stick World' and the 'Abandoned Bandstand Haunted Hill'.
West Wallingford construction firm Thrifty Cowboy Ltd - part of the notorious S.H.A.M. consortium - is believed to have secured funding in excess of $4.5 million for the project and promises to have the new tourism hot-spot fully operational by Sunday lunchtime(ish).
This reporter managed to track down the mother of S.HA.M. CEO Davenport Sponge, Phyllis Cucumber-Sponge, at her West Wallingford mansion, who had this to say:
"My Davenport is a good boy. He never meant no harm to nobody and I think it's sick that you people can't leave him alone. Those girls knew fine and well what they were getting themselves into and I'll lick anyone what says otherwise. It's all a load of fuss and nonsense over nothing is what it is and you won't find anything incriminating in my basement so don't you even think about asking."
It must be said that not all East Wallingford residents attending Tuesday's anouncement seemed convinced that the move was a positive one for the town but the handful of dissenting voices were soon quietened down with the new Mayor's trademark employment of heavy-handed riot-policing and tear gas.
When later confronted by suggestions from several outraged Urban Buffalo groupies that this was merely a move to sweep the events surrounding the legendary screamo-fusion band's apparent manslaughter under the carpet, Mayor Eisenherz calmly rebuffed the notion with thinly-veiled threats against all of those present's spouses, children and other loved-ones.
"I won this town fair and square, you chumps; it's mine", he chuckled reassuringly, "and I'll literally murder any one of you that stands in my way - so nobody had better tick me off, you got that?"
Tickets for ParkWorld are on sale now from the Mayoral office, priced $53.50 for adults and $60.75 for children, with a concessionary rate of $52.99 for senior citizens. No students allowed.
Parkovic - The East Wallingford Chronicle (report despatched from somewhere near the Mexican border)