Sacreligious Cat Attacks Priest

Parishioners of the Church of St Eldred the Lesser looked on in dismay this Sunday, as their parish priest was subject to a frenzied assault by an uninvited feline member of his congregation.

The Revd. George Haddock (55) is recovering quietly at home, following treatment at East Wallingford Accident Dept for cuts and abrasions,   and is also receiving counselling.

Yesterday, parishioner Kathleen O'Flackerson (68), still visibly shaken, said,  "It was dreadful. Poor Father Haddock was just coming up to the bidding prayers, when the awful creature ran down the middle of the church, flew onto the altar, and launched himself onto Father's head, and wouldn't let go.  It was yowling and screeching like all the devils in hell"

Schoolboy Wayne Lane (12) added, "It was dead good.  Mass was well boring yesterday.  Well it always is, innit?  And this cat, right?  This cat jumps on Father's head and starts, like, trying to claw all his eyes out and stuff.  I think he must've thought Father was a real Haddock!"

His brother Duane Lane (10) commented, "I think they should do stuff like that every week, instead of all the praying and singing and that.  It was well funny."

Following the attack, the cat left the church, and has not been seen since.  It is believed to have a grudge against the clergy, and should be approached with caution.  It is described as small and black with white feet, and green eyes.  (see photofit)

- Tasha Noble - Religious Correspondent

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