The most shocking news yet after the Three-Armed Burglar’s fifth consecutive armed robbery, happens to have come from the ongoing investigations into the Octagenarians’ Society for Old People’s claim that Anne Droyd, the 81 year old feisty young woman who raced to the finish line in last week’s East Wallingford Marathon, is actually a cyborg.
People had expressed great support and empathy for Anne when she had managed to win the Marathon, defeating seasoned runners like Ursine Bolt and Rick ‘Thunder Thighs’ Rollman. At the time, she’d been quoted as attributing her powerful sprint to “ long hours of recharging in the gym, coupled with energy-rich foods like batteries and power cables.” What had been dismissed as a joke, may now prove to strike closer to the truth.
Al Zimer, President of the OSOP, put forth his claim at a judiciary yesterday stating that Ms. Droyd’s name appears nowhere on the OSOP register or their mailing list. In a press conference later in the evening, he made a public statement as follows :
“ Have any of you ever seen 81 year olds run like that ? Heck, even my 8 year old grand-daughter cant run like that. And I’d never even heard of her till last week. So I hired a private eye to track her. It pleases me to inform you that this private eye found her plugged into a socket and has also taken pictures of her metal plated derriere which …”
However, Mr. Zimer was not allowed to complete his speech further after he was pelted with rotten tomatoes by the audience, clearly angered at this invasion of Mrs. Droyd’s privacy.
However, Professor Schwarzenegger of Roboto Industries assures us that cyborg technology could not possibly be so advanced as to perfectly emulate a human being.
“ In fact, our best prototypes couldn’t even run that long a stretch. Definitely not without breaking into a sweat, which Mrs. Droyd managed admirably well.So yes, there is no cause for alarm, or reason to believe that cyborgs have somehow invaded our society without us realizing.”
Public opinion has swung mostly in favour of Mrs. Droyd, with many citizens hitting the streets with slogans like “Cyborgs Don’t Exist” and “Al Zimer is an Old Fart” across East Wallingford.
When this reporter spoke to Mrs. Droyd, she merely scratched the metal rivet on her nose and said, “ I’m ready for whatever is programmed to occur. I’m just glad I gave my 97.65% in my run. The rest is up to Roboto. End of transmission.”
Andy Lloyd, Sports Correspondent