Police Seeking Three-Armed Burglar. No Description Available

In response to the recent reports of serial burglary, Captain Sam Beezely of EWPD called a press conference to discuss the current leads in the case. Answering questions not only from this paper, but from those residents affected, Beezley asserted that, while they were no closer to identifying the bandit, they have taken statements from witnesses describing the suspect only as "three-armed."

When asked why the witnesses could not further identify the suspect, Beezley replied, "Well, that kinda thing, it's kinda distracting, you know," to profuse nodding among the gathered EWPD ranks. So far, solid evidence on this case has been almost as elusive as the burglar himself. However, Captain Beezley assured those assembled that they have made strides, interviewing doctors in the area about any recent amputations, should the suspect attempt to alter his apperance. And, conversely, they have also been going over recent reconstructive surgery records to find if the burglar had his third-arm attached in the last six months.

While East Wallingford's finest trolls over the slow-coming facts of the case, our residents wait in apprehension for the burglar's next strike. Local militias have seen an upsurge in applicants and urges citizens to be prepared for anything, saying in a recently issued public service announcement, "As our suspect has multiple arms, civilians should be aware that he can therefore hold multiple weapons. Arm yourself with a gun, if possible, since a baseball bat with be of no use to you under the inevitable blows of his own limbs, even if the suspect is, excuse us, unarmed."

- Archi Teuthis, East Wallingford Chronicle

The End

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