The Diet Starts TomorrowMature

In the modern age of reality television this bizzare show will not suprise many.

“Hello and welcome to The Diet Starts Tomorrow, with me Chad Barking!” The host’s teeth almost flash as he says his own name and adopts his trade mark grin and wink combination.  It is without a doubt that Chad is one of the sleaziest men you are ever likely to meet. He has three girlfriends, all named after fruit, two dogs, both named after cars and one penis, named after the 13th president of the United States of America, Millard...Fillmore. He has a long list of arrests for various lude acts, a bad tempter and a drinking problem. Despite being a successful television host for several years in the US of A, Chad was dropped by his television network and had to find work elsewhere. At thirty five years old, and with the aging looks of a forty year old, Chad had to leave his land of the brave, home of the free to find himself a job, a last shot at fame, and here it is, Chad and his trademark smile, precedential penis, automobile pooches and his fuckable fruit bowl find themselves very much in the thick of things, in Bangkok on Thailand’s number one game show, ‘The Diet Starts Tomorrow’.

                “As you all know, this is the game where eating, most defiantly is not cheating!” Chad stared directly into camera one, and into the eyes of the eleven million viewers (on average) at home. “Today’s contestants will have to eat their way through the three courses our expert chefs have devised for them, and of course that all important mystery dish at the end.” A flashing board visible only to the audience encourages them to make an impressed sound, they duly oblige with a cliché “oooooooooooooowwwww” echoing round the studio.  “The only catch is that, in the final challenge they will be against our very own human hoover, Chow Ling!” Camera three paned rapidly upwards to a smoking stairway, a light shines through and the shadow of a giant of a man was visible, arms folded across his chest, he tried to flex his pectorals, but the lay of fat over them was too heavy and a slight wobble is visible. Chow Ling, whose real name is Kevin Chang, is dressed in sumo attire, despite never having taken part in the sport, and having never been to Japan.

Kevin found himself the wrong side of thirty and jobless, he had no aspirations in life. His last job was as an auto rickshaw driver in central Bangkok, however a breakdown of his marriage to May Ling, whom he thought to be one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen, had lead to a major eating binge on Kevin’s part, after he discovered on his wedding night, at the most intimate of moments in the honeymoon suite of the Gaylord Hotel, that his wife, was in fact, a man.  This eating binge lead, surprisingly, to weight gain, rapid weight gain, and so much so that a hill start in his lawnmower engine rickshaw, was near impossible, and lead to a running start, where Kevin would situate himself outside the rickshaw, hands on the accelerator, and have to jump in once it had picked up enough momentum to carry his new found weight up the hill. This was going fine, until on a wet Saturday afternoon, he slipped as he was trying his hill start technique and bundle arse first into the side of his rickshaw, sending it rolling onto its side, and causing the decrepit sixty-five year old in the back to have a heart attack as the rickshaw sailed backwards down the hill, until crashing, somewhat harmlessly into a fruit stall. The old lady survived, but Kevin vowed never to drive again. It is for that reason, that Kevin, along with new found weight, and man-thong-nappy, find themselves stood, part naked, with a fake name at the top of a set of stairs, with a light shining behind them as the smoke disperses on Thailand’s number one game show, ‘The Diet Starts Tomorrow’.

The End

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