School was almost over. Being free from it was both the best, and the scariest thought that I had. I wanted to get away from all of the teachers, stress, tests, homework, people, and harassment from it, but what was I supposed to do being alone with my mind?
Sure, I had a few things planned over the summer, but I didn’t think they’d be enough. I was right. I went to the University of North Carolina Greensboro for a week for a summer music program.
My roommate was very Christian, so it was hard to have real feelings around her. I liked her a lot, but I couldn’t open up to her. The other oboist in my band, April, and I got along. She was 16, and had some rough things in her past. She didn’t talk about them, though. I didn’t talk about mine either.
During the camp, I didn’t eat. I only ate about two small bites of salad, and that was when I was forced to by another friend I had made. I don’t think anyone truly realized what was wrong with me. However, April did see some cuts on my legs. I brushed it off.
While I was there, I had hidden my razor blades in my retainer case. I cut several times during the week. It worked well because my roommate was at piano camp, and I was at band camp, so we didn’t have much room time together. I would also keep the door locked, so in case she did come up to the room while I was in there, I would hear the door handle shaking.
Fortunately, she never walked in on me. I didn’t have any explaining to do whatsoever. It made me feel relieved, knowing that I didn’t have to tell anyone anything here. No one cared that I wasn’t eating, and no one cared that I was cutting. It was great.
The end of the week neared, and I was disappointed, because once I got home, things wouldn’t be as easy to hide. It was a Friday night. Friday, July 13th, 2012. I was sitting in my dorm room when I got a text from Will.
“So um. We’re gonna be late.”
I was so upset. I wanted to die. I burst out into tears, because I just wanted to get some recognition for all of the work I had put into my music this past week. I just wanted something to be loved for.
About fifteen minutes later, I hear some laughing in the hallway. I wipe my tears away, and see Will, my mom, and sister laughing at me. I ran up and hugged them so hard.
Will told me that they were pulling a prank by saying they’d be late. They scared me so bad! I thought that they were just going to leave me here. I was so happy they were here.
We went to the dining hall, and they ate, while I sat with a glass of water. They didn’t mind though, because they know that I can’t eat before a performance. It started to rain, and I freaked out. I had actually tried to look pretty for the performance, and I almost did.
I had to run, in the rain, to get to Aycock Hall in order to perform. We had to wear white shirts, and mine was almost see through. I spend ten minutes in the bathroom, holding it under the hand dryer. It did dry off some, and I was relieved.
It was time for me to get onto stage, so I walked up, along with April. We sat down in our seats, and prepared for the concert. We were both super happy! The thing we had been working for was finally here. We couldn’t stop smiling.
Our conductor had warmed us up with our chorale, and the concert began. We played through all of our songs, actually in tune. Two oboes in tune was such a rare thing, as simple as it may seem. Either way, it filled us with pride, and we were beaming when we walked off stage.
I walked up to the balcony to see Will, Sarah, and my mom and dad. They all hugged me, and we went back to my dorm to get my stuff. After putting it in the car, Will and I got Chinese food. This would be the first time I was eating in a week, so my stomach hurt when the food went down. I ignored it, though. I was with my best friend and family, and I was happy for that night.