It’s now Sunday afternoon. You lose your sense of time when you’re lying there emotionless. My liver enzymes were still rising. They weren’t sure if I would definitely need a new liver or not. I really hoped not. I didn’t want to mess up more than I already had. I just wanted to get everything done and over with.
My nurse came in to see how I was doing. I had gotten used to him, as he had been my nurse for a while now. He was nice and funny, and he understood me. His daughter had attempted overdosing on Tylenol, too. He also was not very good as a teenager, so he knew a bit of what I was going through.
John tried to keep my mind off of things by talking about roller-coasters, college, band, and stuff like that. I guess he either really wanted me to get better, or he wanted to get rid of me. I decided I wouldn’t think about that for now, I would just got along with everything.
“Can you stand up?” he asked. I proceeded to attempt to stand up, but I was very shaky. He then arranged the IVs on the pole so I could try walk around.
I didn’t want to move, I just wanted to lay in bed. John didn’t seem to agree with that, though. He made me walk around the unit. It was strange; everyone was staring at me. They were just watching me walk around in a giant loop. It made me feel uncomfortable, but I ignored it. If I was going to get John off of my back, I had to do this. Besides, I got to see something other than the blank wall in my room.
“You’re going to be transferred to the regular Pediatric Ward,” I was told by a random nurse that I hadn’t recognized. I didn’t understand the difference, mainly because I wasn’t listening, but I didn’t mind much. It didn’t seem like a big deal.
I got a new room, and a much more cheerful view. The room was bright colors, mainly orange, yellow, and blue. There were lots of decorations throughout this ward. There were fish tanks, giant stuffed animals, and even a play room. This was a much more comfortable environment.
It didn’t match my feelings, however. I was still sad, though I still didn’t show it. I didn’t want anyone to worry about me more than they already claimed to be. I just put on another mask, and went along with everything. I was out of energy at this point in the day, so I just crashed. I fell asleep, and went off to another world. I didn’t have any dreams or nightmares. It was just a black pit. Nothing else.
I woke up suddenly to yet another needle in my arm. I looked at the bag, and saw the fluids that were flowing into my blood and traveling through my body. I watched as the bag released a small amount of fluid at a time into the IV.
Drip. Drop. Drip. Drop. I could hear the faint plunk of the water as it dropped into the pool of it. I was paying more attention to this than I had to any of the doctors or nurses. This was so simple, yet so complex. There was a rhythm, and it was exact. How could something flow in such causality, yet still maintain a perfect pattern? I analyzed this for quite some time, until my food arrived.
They were making me try to eat today. I don’t remember what I had gotten, but it felt grotesque as I tried to let it slide down my throat. It felt so unnatural. It took so much effort just to swallow.
I couldn’t let them know about how I hadn’t been eating. They would just keep me longer, and all I wanted was to leave. I would just show to them that I wasn’t thinking on one night, and that I was fine and dandy. That way I could get out of here.
I didn’t like being a number. I was just a number to most of the staff. I was just a patient. I was just another person that they had to put up with. They didn’t actually care about me it seemed. They just cared that I was better, but that wasn’t what I had wanted. That was the opposite of what I had wanted.
I still didn’t want to live. Some of the nurses had told me that there was a reason I had lived, that there was some bigger purpose. There was a reason I survived. Human error.