It’s been almost a week since the party Samuel invited me too. Time has passed slowly since then. It took a while but each day Samuel has been better with me. Last night we even went on a few online matches together. I woke up this morning with the same heavy heart I’ve had since the day Usa came round. It was good that he offered a calm voice, but I hate the fact that Samuel could have thought that about me. It’s only a computer game right? It’s not like I was kissing this other guy. I’ve tried to stay calm when I think back to that night, but it’s been hard. Samuel’s putting my mind through hell every night and when I talk to him in the day time he’s angry at me for something I haven’t done. But he’s so damn cute.
During breakfast I got a text that says ‘come to mine tonight?’. Seeing it made my heart leap. To be close with him again, the meer thought made me want to run around the house like a crazy fan boy. Well roll out the victory music and order a shed load of confetti! It’s time for fan boy Hiko to finally claim his prize! Oh god I really feel desperate saying that.
So I ran upstairs, leaving my breakfast half-finished on the dining table. I threw open my wardrobe doors and flicked through my best outfits. It’s going to be a memorable night right? So I should wear my best Otaku/Visual kei clothes and look good. I threw several outfits on my bed. My new Side buttoning vest jacket like the ones worn by soldiers like those in Fable 3. My ‘wet look’, faux leather shirt, a studded choker, my favourite mesh top, a pair of skinny black jeans, and a slightly less skinny pair. Boxes with my cosplay accessories and jewellery also went on the bed, with an assortment of belts, some chains and my best jacket. My jackets a must, it’s the same sleeveless one I wore that day all those months ago when we met. It goes down to my knees and has buckles going up the front with a studded collar. On the back it has a one winged devil motif, with chains and the crest I have tattooed on my back. My leather boots were also a must, it was forecast to snow and they work well as snow boots. I loved snowy weather. Since I’d last seen Samuel, I’d also gone back to my usual black hair. My all blue hair looked far to bright.
After about an hour of mixing and matching I’d finally come up with a good enough outfit. It was princely, visual kei and also very me. I’d gone for a silk shirt I’d forgotten I had. It was black and the collar and back were embroidered with blue roses. I’d zipped in the optional fur lining in my best jacket to keep me warm on the walk over there. I’d also picked some slightly baggy jeans with two belts and a chain. One belt was blue with black roses and the other was black and studded. I was already to go and only two hours early. I needed an hour to walk it there. So I guess that makes me seem les desperate. I grabbed my sister’s lucky necklace that she had told me to where tonight and tucked it under my shirt. I also grabbed a plain black leather collar before leaving my room. My mum shoved a sandwich and some tea at me when I’d gotten my boots on. She’d hugged me from behind, whispering in my ear ‘good luck’. I felt ready to take on the world. If Samuel was ready to ask me out the other day and he was better with me now, he’d ask me out tonight. Failing that, I’d summon all the willpower in the world and ask him myself.
I headed out slightly earlier than I’d planned and loaded up the map to his house on the go just in case I got lost on the way. The sun was strangely warm despite the world still being frosted over from the morning. It’s warm light lifted my soul as I walked blissfully happy towards Samuel’s house. Just when I was approaching the corner of Samuel’s street I got a reply back from Uruha and Usa, they were both wishing me good luck. They’d been hoping for me to meet someone since I arrived in England almost 15 years ago. I’d almost reached the smart looking, end terraced, house when I realised my heart was pounding practically out of my chest.
When I got inside, Samuel’s mother told me to go straight upstairs and look for the gamer poster on the door. I treaded up the stairs lightly. My heart was pounding so fast I felt like I could collapse and die. Even when I’d visited his house before I’d never been up to his bed room before. When I got to the door I could hear his soft voice humming on the other side. This plank of wood was the only thing that separated me from the man I loved. I steadied myself as I knocked, as I was gasping for air.
“Come in,” said the soft delicate voice. I could be wearing an entire suit of iron right now and that voice would still be able to melt me. I opened the door to see Samuel admiring himself in a lilac dress. As he saw me in the reflection of the mirror, he stopped. His face went pale and his jaw fell. He dropped the dress he was holding, spun around and ran at me. “Masahiko! You’re early,” Samuel looked towards the clock on his wall near the mirror. “Wait, you’re just on time, damn I’m running late.” Samuel grabbed hold of my hand and dragged me into his room and then pushed me towards his bed. I took it as a cue to sit. My chain rattled noisily on the floor as I perched on the end of the bed. Whilst Samuel ran towards the door to close it, I took my jacket off and placed it on my lap. Samuel swooped towards me, taking the jacket and hanging it on the door. He leapt towards me and sat cross-legged on the bed facing me. “I probably should have told you about this earlier. I was scared you wouldn’t be my friend anymore. You see I dress up like this sometimes. Do you remember when we first met, and that guy threatened me because he’d seen me in a dress?”
“Yes,” my voice was slightly lower than it usually is, and softer too. “How could I ever forget the day I first laid eyes on you?
“Well that was because of this.” Samuel gestured around the room. “Are you ok with this then?”
“Sure, why wouldn’t I be? I mean my best friend’s partner and my second closest friend in the world is a cross-dresser.”
Samuel let out a sigh, and fell backwards against the wall. It felt natural for me to lean against the wall and next to him. As I got comfortable Samuel leant against my side, wiggling the way you would when snuggling down in bed. This finally wasn’t a dream. He was seriously leaning against me. I could feel his heat radiating through my silk shirt.
“So do you want to play some games,” asked Samuel, looking up at me.
“I want to talk some more, we never seem to talk,” I uttered softly, feeling his hair against my face.
Samuel sat up away from me. I felt a deep sense of yearning to slide closer. “I suppose you’ve heard that I was going to ask you out at the party then? You must have! You’ve changed; even your voice has changed.”
I slid closer towards him. I felt powerful and strong next to him. It was now or never. I held his cheek in the palm of my hand, gently stroking his soft cheek. I moved my head closer, tilting it slightly. My heart was now beating so loudly I could hear it in my head. “You said yourself you were going to ask me out at the party.” Our lips were now barely milometers apart. I could feel his breath getting stronger. “If you’re not going to say it then I will. Samuel I lo…”
“But don’t you find men to be disgusting perverts?”
“Sure, some can be, but why would I think that. Wait, what? Perverts?” I felt my arm getting weak. I retracted it from his face. It was like a dagger through my heart. I felt his warm breath ebbing further and further away from me. I suddenly felt as if I was lying outside in the frost. My stomach tightened and stiffened.
“Yes I did admit that I was going to ask you out. But when I saw you playing that game, with that guy, I saw that perverted hunger all men have. And I realised you’re no better than any of the other’s.”
It felt as if I was choking. I tried to say what, but all that managed to come out was a smothered squeak. Feelings that I haven’t felt since my parents died, when I thought nothing better than joining them, bubbled to the front of my mind. The dagger was slowly being twisted in my chest.
“I don’t want a boyfriend now!” Those words echoed in my head and the world seemed to freeze. The dagger had been rammed in and ripped out, taking my heart with it.
I’d left Samuel’s house in a flurry of rage, not even stopping to check whether I’d closed the front door or not. I vaulted the gate because my hands were shaking so bad I could barely open the front door, that I now heard banging about in the wind behind me. It was already dark and as winter had begun to close in a harsh wind blew towards me. The sharp blades of winter’s air sliced at my skin and scattered my hair from my face. Thankfully the ferocious cold kept my tears in. I could feel my brain shutting down, not caring where I was going, I let my feet guide me. The sounds of the world began to fade from my attention as I felt my heart was tearing its self to shreds. I felt myself turn a corner and slightly stumble over some loose rumble or a curb.
I must have been walking for hours. When I finally came to my senses, I began to look around. My skin felt like it was frozen but also burned from the wind. My eyes felt dry and stung when I blinked. I began to rub my hands and face to get back some of my lost warmth. As I rubbed my chin, I felt a stab of pain and an icicle formed of my tears fell to the ground. Looking around I began to realise where I was. It had started to snow since I had left Samuel’s house. My surroundings were slightly obscured by the snow, but as I turned a corner I instantly realised where I was. I felt a deep pang of pain as I looked upward to the house in front of me. It was none other than the large detached house my parents bought when they came to England. Another pang shot through my frozen heart as I remembered the last day I spent at the house.
It was an early autumn morning and I’d woken up early, excited about my upcoming 13th birthday. My father had already decayed to the point where I was running the house. So I’d gone out the previous day and bought myself a new Xbox and games, wrapped it up and on top I’d stuck a label. I’d used old school forms to copy my dad’s handwriting, so it looked like my present was from him. That night I was so tired after preparing tea and pre-cooking some party food early, that I’d fallen asleep on the couch. Every night I would check on my dad before going to bed to make sure he was alright. That night was the first time in over a year that I’d forgotten. When I woke the next morning I instantly realised what I’d done. I ran as fast as I could to the third floor of the house that my dad occupied. I burst into his bedroom in a crazed frenzy. Before me I found what no child should ever find. My dad was long dead and colder than a blizzard. I’d collapsed on to the floor at the foot of his bed. Shamefully I cried for two hours. When I’d finally stopped I could hear a banging at the front door. I’d staggered through the house and by the time I got to the door the postman had just got to the garden gate. He halted as I flung the door open wide and stumbled into the front garden. I ran toward the gate as fast as I could and grabbed the cuff of his sleeve. He turned round and saw I’d been crying. He stopped, knelt down and asked me what was the matter. I fell on to his shoulder in fits of tears, crying out in a shrill sound; “Sir help me, my dad’s dead!” I still remember that postman’s face to this day. He was a kind hearted man, who’d rung the police and stayed with me until some social workers had arrived. I will never forget standing on those cold stone stairs watching the ambulance men carry my dad’s body away. I watched as the world went into slow motion. The autumn leaves were still falling that year. Later on that day the social workers had commented on how I seemed distant and kept watching the leaves falling. Now every time I see the leaves falling in autumn I’m back on those steps, looking onwards as my world fell apart.
In the months before my dad died he began to have violent attacks of rage. His mind had already fallen apart and had no idea he was doing this. My parents’ house had three floors. The third one was converted back from an apartment after we moved in but it still had the locking door. One day I’d removed all of the sharp objects and anything he could hurt himself on from the converted apartment. That day I moved my dad up there so I could care for him better. That day he’d also had one of his attacks. I could hear him screaming, so I ran from the house. The whole floor was locked so he couldn’t escape. I had nowhere to run to in those days. No friends, no family, no one to rely on. I knew no one that could help my dad. When I ran from the house to escape his screaming I used to go to a forest across the road. I could still monitor the house from there and it was more peaceful. There was one tree in the small forest that had exposed roots and an area that looked like a small house for a badger in it. I always headed to this tree. It was the tallest in the forest. I used to climb up it and sit in a fork in the branches. It was always a great vantage point and was fun to climb.
I turned from the house and headed to the old forest. Most of the trees were blackened by the weather and had lost all their leaves. Respectfully I lifted some of the low branches out of the way. The trees didn’t seem as grand or tall as they did then, but I still found my way to my favourite tree. Gracefully I climbed the tree, remembering all the best footholds along the way. When I reached the fork I used my belt to secure myself to the branch in case I fell. The snow was still falling as I sat down in the fork. I could see the stars shining clearly above me. I felt a tear fall from my still sore eyes. I gazed peacefully up at the stars and watched the clouds roll by as snow fell around me, and tried to forget what had happened.