Hi, I'm Satan. How are you?
You ever see the movie "Wreck-It Ralph"? We get a lot of Disney movies in Hell. If you haven't seen it, it's about this video game villain who turns out to be a pretty good guy, all in all. It teaches the message of not judging a book by its cover and how it doesn't matter if everyone thinks you're a bad guy, you can still be good.
I like that film.
So yeah, the whole bad guy reputation thing that I have? Completely justified.
Take right not, for example. These two girls decided to sit on the ironing board in which I have been trapped for all eternity and now I'm melting their flesh and forcing them to writhe on the ground in fleshless agony while I vomit an infinite number of carnivorous flies on them.
Why? No reason, really. One of them is kinda cute, actually. Was kinda cute.
I remember back in high school, I used to sit behind this guy Jesus - from devouring upon the brains of one of the kids I'm getting the impression that he's a fairly well-known actor now. But yeah, he had long brown hair and I used to throw gum at it because I'm fucking Satan and fuck you, that's why. Ah, high school. Good times. There were all these in-jokes and dragons and shit.
If you aren't entirely clear on what's happening so far, then you're likely as drunk as the rest of the kids whose souls I'm currently devouring. In a nutshell, I've been trapped in an ironing board since before time was counted with nothing but my dark, Satanic thoughts and some sunshine in a bag in order to keep me going. I got pretty bored. Turns out God wasn't too impressed with the fact that I kept killing people; and also because I totally did Eve in God's bed.
So some stoner finds the ironing board and then these two fleshless things with half-eaten brains decide to sit on it and accidentally break it and now there's a really annoyed hostess who's night has been virtually ruined because that guy she likes doesn't really want to know and also because there's a giant demon terrorizing her guests.
"Dude, seriously." She says. "Stop devouring people."
"PATHETIC HUMAN, NOW YOU WILL -" I begin, using my 'Work' voice.
"And fix the god damn iPod. Put Fall Out Boy or something on."
"I HAVE SEEN HELL; GIRL. I HAVE SEEN A THOUSAND ONE DIRECTION CONCERTS AND STARED SUFFERING IN THE EYE. YOU WILL SOON SUFFER THE SAME FATE WHEN YOU SPEND AN ETERNITY IN A CELINE DION ALBUM."
"Yeah you don't look like the FOB type. You ever heard of these Future of the Left guys?"
I hate life.