Satan & Christ In Triple MathsMature

I figured I'd try a horror story and this is what my twisted mind comes up with. An ironing board is innocently and accidentally broken at a house party. Unfortunately, the demon Satan has been trapped in it since before time was counted.

You know that stage when the weed has been passed around a few times and everything sounds like a world-shattering idea?

Yeah, it's that time of night.

Right now I've got this idea for a novel; Satan & Christ are in high school together and they have all these wacky adventures and Matt Smith plays Jesus and there's loads of in-jokes and dragons and shit.

I think I can see a dragon, right now. Or a demon. They're much the same thing, I imagine - minus the wings and all. Satan breathes fire, right?

Oh wait, that's an ironing board.

I'm at a house party and I found an ironing board. This is what happens when you run out of interesting people to talk to.

So now I'm carrying this ironing board and I knocked over some guys drink and I can't tell if the smashed bottle caused the scars on his wrists or what and now he's staring at me and I need to continue on my way.

There's this band called 'Norma Jean'. I only like them because they're shit. Anyway, they do this song and I'm not sure what it's about because I can't understand a fucking word but I suppose it has nothing to do with ironing boards.

Who even writes about ironing boards anyway? I don't even know what mine looks like. I'm putting it in the garden where everyone can see it and pigeons can use it when they need salsa lessons. Maybe I should put salsa on it.

Does the dance have anything in common with the dip? Isn't the dip a dance move? Like with Antonio Banderas with a rose in his mouth? I bet Morgan Freeman's voice sounds even better inside his own head.

If he were dead, Martin Freeman would roll in his grave over the state society has got into. Why would you even make three Hobbit films? The first one was shit, I think. I was distracted.

Ironing board.

I left it in the garden, near the person who cries half an hour into every party to feel acknowledged and the person who nobody really 'gets'. Neither of them have been eaten by a demon yet because the demon hasn't been unleashed by someone who isn't me.

What year is it? I'm so rocked.

But yeah, it's hardly my fault Mr Detective played by that guy who was in Jacob's Creek Shiraz on BBC.

When I was little I thought Ashley Cole was the lead singer of The Clash, I shit you not.

Seriously though, I didn't break the damn ironing board - I merely placed it somewhere. How can I be expected to prepare for the scenario of a demon coming out of the whatchamacallit and declaring the entire house as Satanic ground and gradually hunting us all down in attempt to consume our souls and grow strong enough to destroy the universe?

I only had a couple of drinks, as well.

The End