I cracked my whip like a big screen star, lashing my chin with its tip to split open the gimp suit. Sharkman blood oozed to drip on the dusty ground.
Jeeves cackled. "Invincible!" he laughed. "I told you so!"
I tried again, and the whip caught him across the bridge of the nose. His nose pulped, and released a black torrent. The shark inside me quickened and it was all I could do to not leap forward and chew on that gash of a nose.
"ENOUGH SIMPLE THEATRICALS!" a voice boomed from nowhere and everywhere.
"N-n-oooo!" gurgled Jeeves.
"TIME FOR THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN TO EMERGE!"
Jeeves' eyes rolled back in their sockets, and his upper torso began to slowly droop backwards until it dangled limply. His stomach bulged outwards, buttons snapping off like popcorn. A pale pink protuberance emerged, revealing itself to be a pair of hands, and it drew aside the shirt like a curtain opening.
I gagged. And I thought I was ugly. A monstrous face leered from Jeeves's stomach, an arm protruding from either side. "My God, what are you?" I cried.
"I am the true He Who Must Not Be Named!"
"What about your butler, Bertie?"
"HE IS NOT MY BUTLER!" The pink little arms flailed about like a T-Rex's.
"Sheesh, take it easy, man." I cracked my whip. I wouldn't let this overgrown tumor fuck with me.
"A mere whip shall not stop me... Father!"
"What the—" As if my life couldn't get any crazier. I reached for my iPhone666G and screamed. The screen was showing an image of an empty battery.
Jeeves's indigestion from hell cackled. "Yes, father. You've made me a bastard and one son of a bitch!"
"My God, you've got some Daddy issues. Who's your mama? Just so I hotfoot it when I meet her."
The little rows of yellow chiclet teeth gnashed and bloodshot eyes goggled. Jeeves's growth lurched forward, and what ensued was a strange study of gravity, the limp torso bobbing so that he swayed forward and backwards. "I'll kill you, I swear on my mother's grave, or my name isn't Thaddeus Kong Awesome!"
I was taken aback. That's the name I would have given my son. Was it true? Was this malignant growth truly my son? I investigated his swaying features for any resemblance. His puffy cheeks worked. His lips were blotchy and purple. "Must be from his mother's side," I muttered.
"I HEARD THAT!"
I peered into his beady eyes as he slowly made his way to me. A bit of shark, maybe. His pink flesh glistened in the weak light. I spotted a mark on his right wrist. Then it hit me. This stunted piece of humanity, the Scourge of the world was my son. A guitar. A guitar birthmark right on the wrist, where mine was before it was digested by the shark. That's how I knew I was awesome when growing up.
I had a son! A son! Never mind he was a walking talking cancer of the brain, and had a rude disposition to begin with. There was also the Scourge thing. I smiled, my shark teeth glistening from inside the gimp suit, and said, "Come to Daddy!" My arms spread wide.
I embraced him. The fruit of my loins. My scrotum's little frankenstein project. I felt the love in the pit of my stomach. Who knew it was so painful. I screamed and tore away. My entrails dangled from my rent open belly to the clutches of Thaddeus's monstrous jaw.
"AH'M THE SCOURGE AN' NUTHIN' SHALL STOP ME!" My son bellowed in between mouthfuls of intestine.
I had no choice but to commit filicide. My spawn was just too dangerous to be let loose into the world. I grasped my whip and stepped forward.
TWO DAYS LATER, in the Awesome Bar and Grill
I nursed my the tepid beer. I was exhausted. Burnt out. It's not because I escaped the Scourge and braved the dangers on the trip back. No. It's because of this. I take out my earplug:
"...and you know, it was too hard without a father around. Mother was constantly working, and I was a latchkey kid. Imagine what it was like at school, being like this?! Jeeves was ashamed of me and got to wearing corsets to school. It was a horribly restraining experience, but I often find myself gravitating towards corsets during difficult times. Like now, I'm sure you've noticed..." I put my earplugs back on.
Yeah, we had a heart to heart, and everything's hunky dory. The kid's not much of a scourge, but you can't blame him for trying. He's got a lot to get out of his system, and this way is much cheaper than going to the therapist, as long as I got enough booze in my system. Now that I've played the savior card, I'm not as awesome around here, the ungrateful sons of bitches.
I said the words right, removed the Scourge, and still there's no fucking Time Travel Watch repair! The fucks here just shrug and buy more beer. A hand pawed at my knee. I sighed and took out my earplugs.
"...I didn't want to be like Oedipus but you don't realize how hard it was for us without a dominant male role in the household! I took to the streets when I could, and carried a swiss army knife, shivving anyone I could find. Of course mother was upset but what could I do? She was never home to take care of me, nurture me along the right and proper path of living. It wasn't her fault. Oh, God, you don't know how hard it was..."
Oh, hell. I put the earplugs back on and took a long pull from my Awesome Flavored Beer.