Chapter 10Mature

First things first. You may be wondering how it is that my awesomeness came upon this awesome time travel watch. 

It was a dark and stormy night. The traveler took the road less traveled and found himself at my door. I was practicing a couple of riffs on my new-fangled triple axe guitar. In a haze of narcotics inspiration struck me: I would hire a seamstress to attach one more set of leather sleeves to my sides, and I would fill them with, perhaps bear bone and guts, and see where I could go from there, what with the unexpected  magical qualities of my magic cowboy hat.

I scarcely had time to set this absurd but awesome plan in motion, because the the door sounded like the police was trying to break in. I answered the door, brandishing my guitar, but it was a really really old man. With four arms drooping from his side like a dejected insect's legs. Who the hell are—, I started, and he thrust the watch at me, saying: This is a time travel watch. Then he died. On my fucking doorstep! 

Then I forgot all about it. The next morning the body was gone, probably become bear food, and I never gave it another thought. The prospect of a happy meal on wheels was overpowering. The guy seemed very familiar though; it's like an itch you can't reach in a gimp suit. Anyways, I turn a knob on my new time travel watch.

I hem and haw along the oscilloscope of time, falling through space bursting with fractal flowers that bleed along their edges  a million billion scenarios of human struggle and joy. I penetrate Time and Space, rushing past its stories to emerge, with a sickening twist, into the teeming sea of the Ordovician era! Hey, what? I can't be so awesome I know my dinosaur shit?

I rise and fall on a single wave the size of a small island. The water swirls with life, leviathan and miniature alike, and I feel them slithering against my patented leather faux skin. Something grabs my leg with a sickening crunch and thrashes it. I am tossed in the air like a bone from an overeager pup, and the wave rises to meet me, its surface churning with a monstrous battery of snapping jaws.

Oh shit! I press my time travel watch and pop into the future, poised in free fall above myself who is desperately reaching for the cowboy hat, then failing that, pressing the time travel watch.  When the sea monster threw me up, it moved me in Space and when I activated the time travel watch, it moved me in Time. How awesome is that?! I see myself from the past wink out of existence, and I grab the cowboy hat.

And hold on tight for dear life. 

What happens when you impact the ground wearing a leather bondage suit and a magic cowboy hat? You bounce really high, and it hurts so much that your pain has pain. I find myself impaled on a really tall pine tree. What the hell. I turn a dial on my watch.

And find myself impaled on a steel antenna above a neon landscape. It's a city, and it's crawling with so much light and color I think I dropped several dozen tabs of acid. In the distance there is a neon wracked Vegas style edifice shaped like a guitar... on the very spot where my house is located in the past. Vast neon signs flash and strobe above throbbing arrow marks pointing the way: THE CHURCH OF AWESOME!!!

In my delight I wriggle like a skewered insect.

The End

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