The classic clash between man and evil tree.
Ten kilometers removed of the nondescript stretch of highway that seemed to curl like a serpent across the cliff face, tightly constricting its prey, a small patch of land gave birth to, what some have said, is the most magnificent tree human eyes had ever seen.
It came to be known as the Claw Tree, for its clawed branches capable of snatching birds from the sky and infants from their mothers’ wombs. It was a very evil tree, a thought difficult to comprehend for those lacking firsthand experience with the phenomena, but it was seemingly alive and harboring malice toward all of nature’s creatures.
The diminutive tree lot, tucked away in the mountains of California, beckoned hunters, explorers, survivalists, and drug users alike to its mystique. A championship boxer had once, as legend tells, hiked into the dense forest to confront the infamous tree.
Ray “Sugarlips” Peterson was renowned for the odd underground bouts he had fought in the past. Having conquered every man who set foot in the ring, Ray often looked for suitable challengers elsewhere. As Sugarlips so eloquently put it, “I have scrapped wit’ nearly every tooth-bearin’, claw-havin’ creature on this earth and come out on top.” His scarred skin, missing teeth, and sightless right eye were his accolades; victory was perhaps a relative term. The man had clearly suffered a few too many concussions.
Outlawed from competitive boxing for his extra-curricular activities, Ray’s next logical step was to scour the globe for the biggest, badest creature he could find. Conquering the animals that God had put on the earth was an easy feat, he had done this countless times before. Ray wanted a special challenger, something not of this world, evil incarnate – the claw tree.
Ray’s hike inevitably led him to the worthy competitor he had searched years to find. Upon reaching the only clearing in the forest, he could see a lone tree, two branches out-stretched, clawed appendages beckoning him to come forward.
Standing just out of the creatures reach, Ray dropped his pack and began to wrap his hands.
“I’ve been searching a long time for you.”
The tree was un-responsive.
“Scared, I understand. I’d be scared too if I was about to rumble with the champ,” he said securing the Velcro on his gloves.
The bark in the center of the tree arched upward, revealing a mouth lined with rows of jagged teeth, forming a serrated smile.
The battle ahead finally settled the age old argument of who would win in a fight between a champion boxer and a large ornery clawed tree.
Sugarlips made the first move, as he was not rooted to the ground. With reckless abandon he sprinted towards his opponent. Dodging the flailing branches around him, Ray pushed his way through towards the trunk. Giving it his patented 1-2 punch, pieces began to chip off the tree’s barky hide.
Reaching down the Claw Tree lifted Ray into the air, separated head from body, and tossed the lifeless corpse into the dense forest, never to be found again.
You don’t fuck with the Claw Tree – it doesn’t kill for nourishment, it kills for sport.