Monday. It’s 3 am. What am I doing? I’m staring at my phone, that’s what I’m doing… Watching the battery bars empty. Every time the screensaver comes on I hit a button and the screen lights up again. The white glow bathes my face, harsh, bright. I bet I look ghostly. He’s not returned my call, or my texts. I have to stop bugging him. Maybe I’m getting too clingy or too paranoid over this. I like my background picture. He looks happy. He has such a nice smile. I wiped another tear off my mobile’s greasy screen and hit another button.
Tuesday. What day is it? Oh, just Tuesday. Day after yesterday. Not even halfway through the week yet. Feels like forever. Write my essay, write my essay. Come on Suki, think. You discussed this in class the other day. Well, Elena and David discussed it. You might as well not have been there at all. Oh God, what’s wrong with me? I haven’t even eaten anything yet and it’s almost midnight already. I’m so tired…
Wednesday. “Suki! Get downstairs and control your siblings! Make dinner and wash up afterwards as well!”
“What? Mum, I’m-”
“That wasn’t a request! Just do it!”
Thursday. “My chemistry homework is on my desk. I’ve got no idea what it’s all about. I think I’m failing chemistry.” Post as status. Refresh Facebook. Refresh Facebook. Refresh Facebook. Refresh…
Friday. I’m crying and my tears are cold. Wet pillows aren’t very comforting. I’m not sad. I’m just cold. So cold. Perhaps this is what apathy feels like.
* * *
“Hey Suki, wait up!” David called me as I left the classroom. I smiled. I couldn’t help it, I just smiled. I could forget all the missing texts, forgive all the unanswered calls, I could relax for just a moment because he’d spoken to me. I hadn’t spoken to him and forced a response, I hadn’t joined a conversation he was in, he’d voluntarily spoken to me. It meant a lot to me that I mattered enough at least for him to want to speak to me. It made me smile.
“I can’t keep doing this Suki, you’re driving me crazy.”
The smile died before it reached my eyes.
“All this harassing me, you’re neurotic or something. I can’t take it.”
“David I just wanted to talk to you, if you’d just answered once, just said something-”
“You don’t need to talk to me; you need to talk to a psychiatrist. I can’t see you like this.”
“No.” My face was still trying to smile. Just trying really hard to keep smiling. Maybe this isn’t happening.
“It feels like you’re stalking me almost. A relationship can’t work like that. You’re alienating me and smothering me. We aren’t going to be able to stay together if you keep doing this. Ever since we slept together you’ve changed.”
Not happening, not happening. Please, it’s not happening.
“You’ve become strange and detached, yet possessive and controlling. I need some time away from you.”
I’m shaking. But I’m not crying. Not yet.
“I’ve got to go Suki. Don’t call me.”The fragments of my smile lingered on my lips. And I was definitely crying.