The Farmer in the DellMature

Hubert could see the light was on through the screen door of Farmer Bigg's farmhouse, as he made his way up the dirt pathway.  In the brush at the bottom of the stairs, he heard the piglets rustling, poising to eavesdrop on what was about to happen.

He stopped to compose himself.  What if Farmer Bigg's did not want him to leave? But what if Farmer Bigg's gave him a ride to the city in the happy truck? Hubert had no idea what would happen.  He took a deep chicken breath and hopped the three stairs and up to the door.

He could see Farmer Bigg's standing at the stove, cooking breakfast. The smells made Hubert hungry, but oddly it also made him think about Limbaugh and the piglets for some reason. Never-the-less, Hubert gathered his courage and hopped into the house through a large break in the screen door.

Farmer Bigg's turned from the stove. He was holding a sizzling round metal thing with a handle and in the other hand, a flat thing with a handle as well.

"Well what do we have here?" Farmer Bigg's said, seemingly to no one.

Hubert took another deep breath. He had to make this good.

"Farmer Bigg's? My name is Hubert and I desperately need your help in the most wonderful quest ..."

Without warning, Bigg's, with a look of absolute terror, slammed the large round sizzling thing squarely onto Hubert's head immediately crushing his neck and mutilating his beak into his own chest.

"Holy fucking shit, you talking demon bird." He yelled as he brought the metal thing down again and again until Hubert was a mass of feathers and blood.

Just then the piglets rushed in through the door upon hearing the commotion. "Hubert!" they cried in horror.

"Auuugh!" cried the farmer in further disbelief. Dropping the things from his hands, he replaced them with a butcher knife and lunged at the piglets.

Their little legs scurried but they slipped on the floor and traveled nowhere. The first swing halved Pauly in an instant.

"Fucking demons, what the fuck!" bellowed a terrified Farmer Biggs as he brought the heavy knife down onto Perry, cleaning severing his head.

As the farmer stood, he looked out the doorway and saw the other animals, and they were all looking at him. "He - he killed them" the farmer heard of one of the sheep.

Farmer Bigg's had no idea what possessed his farm animals but he was having nothing of it.  He again replaced his weapon of choice, this time with the shot gun that stood by the doorway.

Rushing outside he did not hesitate blasting away at whatever stood before him.  Limbaugh dropped first, followed quickly by Gerty and Konkers. One by one he chased the animals down and put lead into them.  A cloud of tan dust circled the farm as the chase grew more hectic, shots ringing out over the fields, along with loud curses from Bigg's.

Bruno watched all this from his pen on the far end of the farm. He knew. He knew all along.  Yet he was scared.  Just then, Oswald flew over the pen and as he did, called out to Bruno. "No time to be gawking like a eunuch."  Bruno wasted no time in battering through the fence post and carved his way into the cornfields.

Hours later, on a porch only a mile away, sat two neighboring farmers. They stared at the waning sky, slowly rocking in chairs and sharing a corncob pipe.

Farmer Haney took a long sip of homemade lemonade, as Farmer Haggard stared into the sunset.

"Did'ja hear 'bout Bigg's killin' all his livestock this morning?" quietly asked Haggard.

A moment passed.

"Yup" replied Haney, "Fuckin' nutjob."

The End

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