Pre-Race: The Cutting Edge Of Cocking About

The day before the race and weirdly, everyone woke up at the same time. We wnt to do the stuff that you would do in the morning (have a trip to the toilet, wash self, have breakfast) and then went to inspect our cars. Where there was another letter, nestled in the glovebox of each car (or in the case of the Caterham, on the passenger seat). What now?

"You will want to look serious when racing, so we have provided sponsorship decals. But since you're only fifteen, they're not real ones. Apply them as you wish. Then you may do what you see fit."

They were right. They did provide us with decals, which were in the boot of each car. The not-at-all-hiding-rude-words "Ricock Metals" and "Riballsto Industries" were what I found and applied to my Caterham.

They had also provided a AK47 water gun in each car, with the message, "Do as you see fit." As soon as I picked it up, I felt the uncontrollable urge to shoot someone. So I turned around to see Duncan shooting everything in sight and Jordan standing with his gun facing Fraser, who had put an apple on his head. Which Jordan promptly missed and ended up getting a perfect headshot on Fraser.

So while Duncan was going Rambo and Jordan and Fraser were engaged in all-out war, I decided to shoot the first person I saw. Which was a mistake, as I promptly shot Neil in the balls, causing him to wince and get his gun. At which he recovered and unloaded a full clip into my face. So I decided to shoot him in his balls again. As you do.

So while I tried to hide from Neil, I though of something. Why don't we just shoot each other's cars, instead of taking pot-shots at each other's kitbags? It makes good sense. The cars would be fitted with sensors counting the hits. I let Neil shoot me again so we were even, then I make my suggestion. Everyone was happy with this, except one thing. You need two people to drive and shoot, so the top four drivers had to pick a gunner from the other four. I decided to go last to pick, leaving me with Julie as my gunwoman. So I put up the roof on the Caterham and we decided to line up at various parts of the track and await the signal to start.  Five laps of the track, guns loaded with paint (different colours for each team), whoever scores the most hits wins. Right. Go!

Even before I had got to the Hangar straight, I had Rambo Bunting and his gunner Paton up my chuff, unloading like mad. The advantage with the Caterham is that it is very hard to hit, being so small. So while they turned the track red, every white shot Julie was firing was on target. Then they attemted to pass (a noob error), resulting in a headshot on Jordan and several litres of paint on the Ferrari. We were annihilating them, and now we were homing in on McCormack and McGee's bright blue Audi.

The Ferrari had backed off, so now just us and them. McGee was a good shot, hitting us about five times, but for every shot they got on target, we got about four. Julie was unbelievably accurate, even when I had a lairy sideways moment at Vale. Everything that came out of that gun was heading for a section of the Audi. Then McCormack had a hairy-chested moment and spun out into the gravel at Brooklands, allowing us to roar up behing the simply humungous McMerc SLR Moss.

Now we could see the true shooting abilities of both sides. Julie wanted vengence after Roy destroyed her in the drag race, and Roy wanted to maintain some sort of streak over Julie, but he simply could not match Julie's sniper-esque accuracy. She not only managed to turn the SLR Moss almost completely white, she also turned Roy's helmets almost completely white. Fraser understeered going into Chapel and I think I could call that a comprehensive victory. We pulled in and examined the sensor data. Hits on our car: 11. Shots from us on target: 90. Win confirmed.

When the rest of the group pulled in, they cleaned off the paint, me and Julie proclaimed ourself winners and we retired to the tent to fire up the PS3 for some gaming action. Time to relax before the race. Burnout Party anyone?

The End

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