The Case of EB014Mature

The Case Of EBO14

 There are times in life when you meet someone and feel connected. The person makes you feel really interested in them. Almost in a psychopathic way. I think E had that impression on me from the first time I saw her. I can usually look past the mask of a person. Some people are really good at hiding the mask, as many are bad at it. It is often too easy for me to glance at a person and get a brief overview of their character. It wasn’t so easy with E.

The first time I met E was in late 2014. She was in the same clothes that I would often see her after that day. Her prominent feature was the curly fuzzy hair. It was beautiful. I have always found curly fuzzy hair fascinating. She often smiled at people around her and talked to them. With that I had also noticed the smile was forced. That was first red flag. I have always avoided people who had to smile forcibly. She seemed happy to be there but there was something that was hidden beneath her mask. I believe I sensed some kind of sadness in her soul. I am a very curious person and I like to know what is going around me. Later I learned that her relationship had ended before the semester had started. I am usually right about vive. I believed I had solved my first mystery about this person.

I didn’t talk to E for 3 months even when she was seated right behind me in class. Often I wondered myself why didn’t I engage in a conversation with her? I definitely wanted to know the mystery behind the mask, so why didn’t I? Later I came to conclusion that I didn’t talk to her because I had sensed something uneasy about her.

Also usually people engage in conversation with me, not the other way around. People can call it narcissism but I believe when someone wants to engage with me, they actually want to know and talk to me. I weirdly respect them for their move. I have a tendency to down right offend people. I blame the politically correct society where everyone is forced to believe in the group “norm”. I have always believed when someone knows truth about what others think about him or her, it can help them be a better person.

I believe I have done the same thing with E, nothing intentional but it probably felt intentional to her. I realize now, she is not the type who likes being fed advices. I believe it’s a sign of insecurity. I have dealt with people who didn’t want to listen to advices because it made them seem naïve and weak. I personally don’t think she is weak. One becomes naïve when he or she fails to see who is trying to help and who is trying to manipulate.

It was around the end of the semester that the professor had started a new club in campus. I was really interested about it because I had wanted to participate in some kind of club before transferring to a four-year college. This was when we actually talked to each other. In the class when the professor was telling about the club. She looked really interested in it like me. She was collecting emails and phone numbers. It was then that I was thinking about her ethnicity. It was hard to tell since she looked different. And I certainly didn’t ask because it is rude. Also from within I heard a voice asking me “Why do you care? ”. So I minded my own business. Later she mentioned she was white, which is surprising till today.

Around the end of the semester I personally had been going through a depressive phase. I had been suffering from within. I myself was in need of a friend to talk to. Although I usually solve my own problem, I had been going through pain from past. I wanted someone to hear the frustration. It wasn’t me asking for help but to let out this pain or frustration, whatever one might call it.

I had talked to E about it. It turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes I ever made in my life. I should have never talked about it with her. My depressive thoughts blinded me; it brought the anger and rage that is sometimes part of me. I have gone dark 3 times in my life. It happens when I am not happy for a long time. At this time I really was not happy. I am not happy with myself and where I was headed. It was definitely a learning lesson about trust. I “frightened” and “scared” her.

I am not going to lie about my character. I am devil at heart. I thrive for truth and just the truth; if someone accuses me of things I become the monster they despise. I have made some people suffer through my anguish. I have hurt people mentally in many instances. I believe it is a family trait.  But it happens rarely and for me to want to hurt somebody, they must really make me angry. I think I got to that point, when E accused me of things that were absolutely false.

No matter how people are, I do not anyone putting me in a psycho category; especially E because I cared about her. I am a pessimist who knows there is a will to be good and understanding in every human being. My goal was to let her see the good side, which I always am.

I don’t remember much from the time between the end of the fall semester and spring semester. But
we did talk a little in between through texts. I believe there was a time when she asked me if I knew a guy from an electronic store. I knew him. In that conversation I mentioned where I was from. Also we talked about how she had been in the college for a long time and had a lot of degrees. I was quite impressed by those facts. I myself wanted to major in many fields. Like me her interests were in many fields. I like that about her.

I thought I had gotten an understanding of her in that little break between the semester and the next. My first actual thoughts about E were very different from the later ones. I believe I thought E was a very spontaneous type of person. She seemed like an all rounder type of person where everything was interesting to her. She seemed friendly and especially seemed like someone who could be a devout friend. She seemed like someone who was ready to talk about anything. All together my thoughts boiled down to me thinking of her as a really smart girl. It turned out I wanted to see E in a different way than she really was.

When the spring semester rolled around, I saw E at least 3 times a week. This is where I got close to see underneath her soul but not close enough to see her properly.
Next four months of spring semester was where things changed. It began with joining the club. I had not liked how it was beginning. It was slow and frustrating, things were not being in time and professor wasn’t showing up. E and I talked a lot about the problems in the group. I agreed with her because what was happening was quite ridiculous.

It was the same time when I discovered something else. There was a guy, who I will call him Jim, he was ordering around everyone in a manner where no one liked it. I personally didn’t like him because he had a pedophilic look and he seemed like someone who needed attention to fulfill his ego.
I had thought E would do something about this. I hadn’t said anything to E besides to repeat what she said in a different language to see how she would respond to the situation. After weeks of talking about how we didn’t like the club, she quite it.

I was surprised by her suddenly quitting the club. There are times in life where you know someone is a certain way, who doesn’t take crap from anyone, but then they do and somehow everything changes. That was the situation I was in.

I too eventually quite the club but it was due to work and time issues. She really seemed like someone who fights for what she wants. I thought she had a bit of rebel trait. It was interesting to see her just give up. I really believed I saw fire in her I am someone who believes people who overtake others and hurt others need to be put down. The group could have gone without even dealing with him, but she quite it. It was an interesting turn around of thoughts for me.

Life is about learning and there will be harder moments in future than dealing with asshole like Jim. I feel like we, as humans need to utilize those moments to learn how to turn a situation in our favor. I believe I told her that but she just wanted to quite. I believe that’s when my first analysis of her completely changed.

Just to add, I have a certain respect for girls who have a rebel trait. I have met a few and they were fun to be around.

My friend M met E one day in the class. He mentioned that he felt warm by E’s presence, like I had the first time I met her.

This was the same time I noticed the warmness also meant something else. People saw her sexually. I was kind of disgusted by it, over time it turned to a frustration. How could they see her sexually when her intention is different? I felt bad that people failed to see the interesting person she was at that time. At the same time I was asking myself why the fuck do I care? I realized somehow I had managed to get attached to this person, who I didn’t know well. I want to know people before I got attached to them. I felt like it was too short of a time and very less knowledge to get attached to E.

Talking to her in the same time, she started mentioning about her life. She mentioned about how she was abused by guys. She talked about abuse and suicide. I have never been abused and hurt but I felt her pain. I always felt people’s pain since I was a little kid. I am a deeply emphatic person. When people describe violence and abuse, I feel the pain. I close my eyes and see myself being in their shoes. I was angry hearing the detail.

I wanted her to get some kind of justice. But even she didn’t care about it. The inner voice repeatedly asks me “WHY DO YOU CARE?” I was thinking about the guys she goes out with, guys she falls for. The inner me had already decided she was on her own, out of the line where I could help her turn away. I also felt like she really didn’t want to hear anyone’s advice out. It is all up to her, to change her attitude regarding guys and realize things. I often go to extreme levels to make one see the facts and make them realize truth. Truth is the bitterest yet most effective medicine in life.

Middle of the semester, She talked about someone harassing her. She sounded scared of this guy. I was concerned so I told her to talk to police. But she did not want to. Later in a week or so I find her with the same guy in library, helping him. She looked like she had forgotten he was harassing her just weeks earlier. And apparently She had begun going out with him.

I was quite shocked. After few weeks, She talked about her new abusive “boyfriend” hurting, abusing and using her. I wasn’t surprised at all. I knew it was coming because I had already seen this happen with people I knew before her. It was sad to hear the detail. I told her she needed to end whatever she had with him. She was being hurt in the excuse of helping him. In her own words she said, “I think I can help him.” It was excruciating to even hear her talk about this guy.

When I see violence, it makes me lose faith in humanity. Also makes me lose faith in abused when they fail to take proper actions. E was helping him even more when this guy repeatedly hurt her and was verbally abusive to her. What does that tell anyone about her?

When one doesn’t see the lies and manipulation that is right in front of them, it is because they want that. I felt like she wanted that. She wanted an abusive relationship so she could feel normal.
The friend M who I mentioned before talked about E, where he implied his interest of hooking up with her. I was no more in the comfort zone with him. I still liked him, we still rode together to campus and still hung out but I was not comfortable with him talking about her.

I had talked to E, where I asked her whether she liked M. She repeatedly denied that she liked him. I knew she liked him because the way she presented herself was quite different from others.
About the Abusive “boyfriend”, something seemed off when I saw him. His eyes were quite direct. As a kid I was always scared of people who looked at me directly without minor squint in their eyes. Those type of people are usually were very manipulative.

I knew he was a manipulative person, the way he managed to make M and me like his sense of humor was weirdly good. It didn’t make sense to me until the end where I asked E whether she had talked to me about this guy before in text or not. She mentioned quite casually, as we were about to depart that he was the same guy she mentioned was harassing her. I was in utter disbelief. I was really out of words.

As for M, he was telling E, that she was dressed up like a hooker. I personally didn’t think she looked like a hooker but both the abusive boyfriend and M kept on hitting her with ridiculous claims. I was just sitting in the side and watching how she would respond to them. How people respond to a situation tells one that’s watching a lot about people’s character. She seemed to enjoy that time.

Well E went on to making out with Jackson. He seemed to be looking for something where it wasn’t permanent like occasional hook up, but E was looking for something, which she thought way ahead of.
Once we were talking about not mentioning anything we talk about to Jackson. Her reply was quite surprising, “I will never mention anything we talk about, we might go on dating, we might go on marrying, we might grow old together, not even then will I tell him anything.” I am quite good at reading people’s subconscious feeling. Although I understood that she was trying to clarify, nothing would come out. Her subconscious failed her at censoring.

In conclusion, E never talked to me after reading this analysis. I usually let people know how they come off to me. Often that makes people run away from me or be my friend for even a longer time, amazed how anyone can be stupid like me. The narcissist in me says, “If they can’t appreciate the honesty, they might as well just be lost from your life.” E is most defiantly one of the smartest girls I have ever met. She is a fascinating person in the sense that it took quite long to get the right picture of her correctly.
I definitely want her to be happy and do something great with her life. I see that potential but often she seems to be hooked on to or lost in the stupid things of life, abusive boyfriend, bad friendships and family problems. She seems to really care about what people say about her. I believe it’s also the gender at fault. Men tend to care about what people say but often they are very good at hiding it. They are often good at solitary feelings. Women on the other hand do care what is being said about them and take it quite literally. It is difficult for them to hide the feelings.

We all seek love and comfort but we rarely find it when we want it. It happens unexpectedly and at the times when we thought it wouldn’t happen.

I hate the fact that I got attached to E. It is risky to get attached to people because it can screw up with my own feelings. I have often avoided these feelings but it has been hard to avoid with her. But it is in the sense of friend not love interest.

I think she has a mentality of having a normal life where everyone likes her. She has potential to be respected rather than liked but I don’t think she has wits to pursue it.
Recently, thinking back 2-3 months I have come to conclusion that she might be mentally unstable or a psychopath. I say so with analysis of past year. She made just about anyone she met like her. I have a best friend named Jackson who has a similar trait. I have always noticed he is a very easy person. With E maybe the uneasiness I had lies there. Her behavior looked like when a psychopath copied a behavior of making one like him or her. With Jackson, he too smiles, although it is an awkward smile, one can definitely get into his vive and love the guy. With E it was opposite of that. She wanted that center attention. She wanted people to notice. A psychopath often has a set of belief that contains they are better than others. I think she too did that. When talking about other girls she always seemed to critic the other girl. When using a certain word to say something like “She is “so” not my girlfriend.” She took offence in that, “That makes me feel disgusting”. She would often ask for an apology. I would do so because E was an interesting character study. She mentioned about guys she dated and how she used to have sex with them in every time they met up. She went as far as to mention that my interest was sex. Psychopaths love sex, one can study different cases of abuse and killing and the victim is often raped. When showing E, my analysis (huge mistake but had to be done) she mentioned that because I had shared this analysis with my friend M, that it had affected her chance with him. I had never talked about  her with M. Her character seemed to be falling off with every conversation about the analysis. She even said I would never be happy because I was going to be hard and destroy everything good. I still can’t decide whether to call it a psychopathic behavior or over emotional behavior. Both of which is quite tempting label but it is on the opposite side of the spectrum. 

The End

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