I was in that place that everyone gets to while being stuck in traffic for a long time. I was neither awake nor asleep and my head rested against the window as my half open eyes dimly registered the gray of the glove compartment in front of me.
"Hey, look at that! What a picture. Isn't it beautiful?"
I opened my eyes and looked out the window. We were on a bridge, and blue, sparkling, crystalline water flowed hundreds of feet beneath it. It was beautiful.
I felt my heartbeat speed up.
"You know, this is the kind of bridge they show in the movies." He said, still looking out the window over the stock-still traffic. "Where people jump off and fall to their deaths."
It made my knees weak just thinking about it.
How easy it would be... I shook my head. No. Its been three months since the first attempt. You're clean. You're okay. I told myself.
I stared over the side into the rippling water. We were so high up the boats looked like toys. I was so close to the edge, all I had to do was open the door and take a few steps. What would it be like to step over, to finally let go of it all?
I felt the familiar grip of panic taking its hold on my soul. No don't do it.
My breathing sped and the blood in my veins turned to ice. All I could see was the water.
My insides were screaming conflicting messages at my brain. I couldn't think, the fear, the hopelessness, the sadness was overtaking me. Eating away at me like a disease.
Do it. You'll never have to feel this way again.
I felt my hand inching towards the door handle.