Rae and MattiMature

One year before


It was Saturday night. The air in Rae´s small flat was filled with punkrock, cigarette smoke, her parfume and hot steam. She had just taken a shower, when Matti had arrived, way too early, as usual. She liked having him around, though, he was cute. Like the little brother she never had.

Matti watched her putting on her make-up. A bit too much, he thought. People would notice.

" I met Damien today," he told her, " you know what he said? He thinks it´s no longer safe to stay here... Crazy, eh?"

Rae raised her eyebrow. "Really? Well, he´s always been a bit of a girl." She laughed. "In any respect.."

"You don´t think he could be right?"

"Matti, shut up!" She turned around and stared at him, more amused than angry. "If it would be that serious someone would have told us. More people would have gone abroad.. Damn, it´s not 1933.. There´s still a democracy in this country..."

He didn´t dare to say anything against it. He didn´t dare to mention that he knew more than 10 people who had left the country in the last few months. Punks, emos, gays, lesbians, artists, politicians.. not to mention the masses of foreigners who went back to what used to be their home country once, who had lived here for more than 20 years or even their whole live. It wasn´t so safe anymore..

Rae refused to listen. She didn´t want to waste anymore thoughts about the political situation in this country.  Everyone was talking about it. Everyone was walking around with their burial faces. Why? She still had fun. She didn´t feel threatened. Nobody had attacked her or any of her friends, not even verbally. Ok, obviously, it wasn´t so good from a political point of view. They should do something against it. But what could she as a single person do? Nothing. She wanted to enjoy herself. Politics wasn´t the sort of Saturday night activity she´d appreciate.




It started like a normal night out with friends. They all got pretty drunk quite early. The music was great. It was loud, everybody was dancing, drinking, smoking.  Due to her height, her voice and her stunning looks, Rae was in the center of attention from the very beginning. She looked gorgeous in her short skirt, boots and  t-shirt. Matti didn´t care very much, he was used to that. Usually, he was the one that had to rescue her from the guys and carry her home in the end.  He preferred staying in the background, watching.

This night, it was different though.

He had seen him before. His face wasn´t easy to forget. A skinny, blonde guy, not especially handsome, but somehow he always caught his attention. He was walking around with a bottle of beer in his hand, a cigarette in the other, watching. Matti followed his eyes looking at Rae with a certain amusement, wandering over the faces of the people around.. stopping at him. He smiled. Matti blushed, unable to react.

The guy came over. He seemed pretty confident. Matti turned hot and cold at the same time, his heart racing. Easy prey.

He didn´t have to say much. He didn´t have to explain. All the words in his head, the sentences he had carefully prepared to tell his friends one day, they seemed useless. He knew he was gay and he fell in love with that guy from the very beginning. He couldn´t do anything against it.

The others didn´t notice, though. They didn´t see him coming over to him. They didn´t see his eyes and Matti´s struggle. They didn´t watch when he smiled at Matti, asked for his name. They didn´t follow them when they went outside together. Afterwards, Matti couldn´t help but blame the others for not taking notice.


The guys name was Sam. That was pretty much all he could get out of him, all that was left of him in the end.

Matti had never kissed anyone. The others thought he was too shy to talk to a girl. In fact, he never cared about girls. He was too shy to talk to guys.

Until that very moment, until the second he could feel his lips pressing against his, the taste of beer, his soft tongue in his mouth. This sweet shivers running through his body; their excitement. He could feel Sam´s heart beating close to his chest, his hands in his hair. He had never felt like this before. He was drowning in this guy…


He didn´t see them coming. He didn´t hear them shouting through the cold night, couldn´t feel their anger, their excitement and their brutality. If only he had… That night, Matti lost.

He felt a hard hand on his arm, brutally pulling him away from Sam, smashing him to the ground.

He watched it all from an outer perspective, like a movie. He instantly knew, what was going to happen, as if he had expected it.  He could watch himself lying on the ground, the tall guys around him. When they kicked his body, he didn´t feel it. He stared at their ugly faces that were grinning down on him like masks. He heard their laughter, their supernaturally high laughter in his ears – a sound that would haunt him for the rest of his life. He saw Sam lying next to him, bleeding. He watched them pulling him away. He was trying to scream but only a coarse sound came from his lips. He tasted blood. He wanted to move and couldn´t. He was crying. They laughed again. The last thing he saw was the bottle coming closer.















The End

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