When you have a bunch of monkeys for friends, it's your job to catch whatever they're flinging. Because whether they make your life better or worse, nothing sucks worse than feeling alone, no matter how many people are around. Today was a day of discovery. I discovered that I could live my life regardless of who was doing what. I also discovered change was not always welcome and as well as the discovery that as good at it as I may be…being the third wheel really sucks. Still, the best discovery was learning that sometimes I just have to put my mind out there and I’ll eventually get whatever I want.

Opportunities for whatever kinda happiness you’re after are everywhere. Whether it's in losing a friend, or gaining a new one, the numbers of new experiences are really mind-boggling. So I started thinking about experiences, like I usually do, and it started off slow but then kinda came at me more and more as the day progressed. I can't stop thinking about it. I mean, it’s incredible how fast things can go from amazing to complete disaster. When you run into someone you used to date, either you find them totally annoying or enough time has passed that you've idealized everything about them.
In life, there are personal realizations and professional ones. But the worst are the realizations that sneak up on you. Like when you realize you just might have a crush after all. In a world like this, you can hide from almost anything, except your conscience.

I was so mad at my ex last night that I couldn't sleep. Also, the dog across the way barks like a gutted wild boar. But mostly it was the Rachael thing. I guess it kinda pissed me off that there she can get away from her problems and take them with her at the same time. I have to work really hard to keep mine from showing, you know, and even now I don’t do a very good job at it. I think it was around 4:30 AM or so that I realized maybe she needs to get away, even if it isn’t fair, even if that should me she’s left with.

There comes a time when every man has to make a choice. Whether it's a professional choice or whether it's a personal choice. In the end, it's about chasing after what you really want and sometimes doing what's right for your friend, and for your stressed ex. Even if it means swallowing your hard words. When it comes down to it, you just have to be proud of the decision you make, and accept that everything in your life now is just fine.  As I thought about how many people there are in the world, I started to wonder how many in Kamloops alone had gotten a raw deal such as mine. Never mind the world, just a small city like mine, and I was curious if there were enough sad-saps to start a support group, if I wanted to. I don’t want to. But I did realized how easy it was for any random person to see themselves in another stranger. Whether it's in the choices they made in their life or the choices they didn't make, either way, it forces you to face your problems head-on.

“I'm not sure I can handle this right now.”

Or not. The most important thing to remember when you see yourself in someone is that they’re not actually you. In fact, sometimes, they’re actually who we wish we had the courage to be. Right then, I knew exactly what I had to do, come hell or high water. …No, guess again. I didn’t take my mind off things by jogging, or studying, or blasting music or even playing video games all night.

“Oh, Miss Pacman, I would sex that bow right off your head. Eat those dots you naughty, naughty girl.”

I listened to myself. I reread just about everything I’ve ever put on virtual paper and I thought to myself, “Why don’t I ever listen to me?” I shouldn’t worry about things that have already happened, I should be focused on the people I haven’t met, or fallen in love with, or even laughed with only to one day hate. Putting aside the eventual hatred in at least a few people I’m bound to run into, I still need to look ahead. They say you never realize your capacity to love until you learn how. It can change who you are, fill you with joy, even give your heart the answer you thought you'd never find. Life is constantly humbling, readers. Whether it's life forcing you to admit you're not as skilled as you thought or as on-the-ball as you thought, the key is to be ready for it. I didn't tell her about how I’ve been bothered by a choice that was never mine from the start, or how I found feelings elsewhere, or even how I learned to let go enough so that I could finally not need to know everything about her.

Truth is, I don't like to be a burden to the people I care about. I knew if I didn't find somebody who wasn’t her, I'd never be able to enjoy the simple things ever again. I’d be caught up with statistics of how many of Kamloop’s finest had lost their gleam. And even if nothing's worse than facing the biggest decision of your life and not getting anywhere, the most important thing to accept is that no matter how alone you feel, how painful it may be, with the help of those around you, you'll get through this too. See, that's the thing about being an extra mile guy, you never know who it's going to rub off on, and maybe with some luck, I wont be Kamloop’s last gleaming heartbreak, but it’s first heartthrob of the day.

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