I found myself whispering in her ear, through the tears, ‘Wake up, Ellie, wake up!’,
I couldn’t help but just keep repeating myself, ‘Wake up, Ellie, wake up!’
The thought of wrapping my head around losing the two most important things in my life was just unbearable.
I couldn’t lose them both.
No, I wouldn’t lose them both.
Any belief in religion I may have had, was now gone.
Not that I had a belief in any one religion, but before this day, had never dismissed the thought of there being one all powerful being, a ‘God’ to keep the world and all its inhabitants right, but nothing could do this to us, if it was battling with the universe for ‘good’, this would never have happened.
Whatever ‘Deity’ caused this, was surely mocking me.
All of these thoughts screaming at me, it was as if they were trying to make themselves more apparent to me than the others.
Only one thought was dominant, and it was the one containing the little hope I had left,
‘Wake up! Wake up!’ I whispered again for what felt like the millionth time.
And then I did.
When I awoke, I sat up in my bed, the covers slid down my torso as my brain recovered the details of the previous evenings nightmare. I remembered it all too well, and in far too much detail.
It was the same nightmare I had dreamt almost every night for the past 4 years, and still I found myself shaken.
I felt the nerves ease, as the warmth of Ellie’s chubby arms wrapped around my throat.
It was then I remembered.
It was 7:45, that meant we had a while, it didn’t open for a few hours, 11am to be precise.
I started to get ready, I put on my nice jeans, and a white t-shirt, before I helped Ellie to get ready, she wore a green dress, and after that, I took her to get her hair done, she was already the prettiest thing I‘d ever seen, (I mean she was always beautiful in my eyes, but today, she looked as breathtaking as anything could, that, and everything more), but doesn’t everyone like to feel pampered? Now it was 10:45, almost opening time.
We went home, got the picnic that I had prepared and we set off. This day was the most memorable day in my life, it was the day when things I love began, and ended. The 26th of September was the most significant day in my year, and had been for the past 9 years.
We arrived, and the gate opened with a creak, I felt a wave of Déjá vú as I reached out to squeeze Ellie’s plump little hand.
We walked slowly through the short grass, up through the archway, and to the crest of the hill, and there it stood, it was the second most beautiful thing I had ever laid my eyes upon, the first a tie, between its owner, and Ellie. As we approached, Ellie made a small squeaking sound in her throat.
It didn’t matter how many times we came, each time, it was just as tolling as the last.
A tear rolled slowly down my face, tickling my cheek as it went, at which point Ellie piped up from beside me ‘Don’t cry daddy!’ she said as she pulled herself up into my arms.
We stayed there all day, Playing games, I told stories about when she was a baby, and some of the good times me and her mother spent together.
She fell asleep in my arms just as it was getting dark, so after laying down the flowers she had picked out, on the grave, I carried her home.
That day was better than any day since the day of her birth; and her mothers death.
26th of September, 2014.