Arrangements and Epiphanies

Justin,

It took Sandra a while to get used to us, to Becoming. We decided not to stay working there but I don’t think anyone even really noticed. She really wanted to leave, after seeing pictures of your Dad on the news, and your mom crying for any information. I, your Dad I mean, wanted to call and give some kind of reason or explanation. Nothing sounded right exactly so I, we I guess, decided to leave town.

Your dad wouldn’t agree to go until we’d set some things straight though. Seeing as I’d killed him in a way, and Sandra had been part of destroying his body we felt we owed him one. We know how broken up he was, about leaving you and your Mom. It’s hard to explain, but we were broken up too, like you were our kid. I know I’m not making any sense, hopefully I’ll get better at this. Your Dad, I, decided to start writing you letters.

I went to James. No one I knew was in a position to do what I needed. Besides, as a lawyer he couldn’t breach the confidentiality clause. After all I was still his client, although I couldn’t exactly tell him the young woman who came to see him was me. He probably still thinks I, well your Dad, ran off with some floozy. It was easier to let him think that than explain the truth about all this.

Once that was all sorted I left town. The next time it happened I was just trying to get on the subway. Couldn’t think of a better place to just get lost. People there are so determined not to notice anything.

Suddenly I was overcome with the desire to throw myself onto the tracks. Nothing mattered anymore, she was gone. My beloved wife and no one was going to pay. I didn’t want to be part of this world anymore. If it had taken me a second longer to realize those thoughts weren’t really mine I wouldn’t be writing this. But the thoughts weren’t mine, they belonged to Seth Burgeman.

After the brief exhilaration of realizing I was still alive, and a man again, I had a thought. I had caused it, the Becoming. I really wanted to be a man again, I don’t know how women do it. So far it had only been an accident but this was sort of on purpose. Was it something I could control?

At first Seth thought he was dead. That’s what he was trying to do. His wife had been murdered. I’d say I can’t imagine how that feels but now I sort of can. They’d caught the killers but thanks to some legal loophole both of them had managed to walk. He wanted to kill himself and I’d stopped him.

It’s hard, dealing with these emotions. Even though he sort of realizes what happened Seth still wants to kill himself. He doesn’t see a point. As much as he doesn’t want to be here, I can’t help feeling like I did a good thing. Like maybe Becoming doesn’t always have to end a life. For whatever it’s worth in it’s twisted way, maybe it can save lives too.

Love Dad.

The End

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