Sir Jailbird

Lance was happy, today had gone surprisingly well considering everything that had happened. He couldn't remember anything before he had woken up and met Mr D. He couldn't even remember where he lived which was problematic, but Mr D had told him which was helpful. Another problem, was that he couldn't remember where he was or where any of the roads were so Mr D said that he should go buy a map. He walked down the unfamiliar streets, which stayed unfamiliar as he walked. Finally, he got to a nice well kept house and suddenly realised that it was his. Mr D had told him that his keys were in his pocket and that it was the big silver one. There were alot of silver ones. 'Oh dear', he thought. Then he noticed that the door was wide open. He strode in  purposefully as this was where he lived so he was allowed to be purposeful in it.

There was a strange man in it wearing a pjama top with a duck pattern on it, black holey trousers, a black tie and slippers. He looked familiar which was a first but he had no recollection of who it was.

"You!" said the man, his voice dripping with contempt. "You thought you could get away with it, didn't ya!"

Lance backed off slightly. Did he know this man? Mr D didn't tell him that he did, so the answer was probably no.

"What would it be that i might have gotten away with stranger?" said Lance.

"You know what you did! The wine, the dead people! You planned it all you evil scum!" The strange man wasn't making any sense. Dead people, wine. What was he going on about. Then a thought struck Lance. Maybe this was what Mr D had told him. He had said, whatever happens in the next 24 hours, just go along with it, take full responsibility.

"Oh very good, kind sir. You have me well and truly cornered. The possible means of escape i could use at a time like this would be to leap majestically down a hole in the floor." Lance laughed like a maniac.

"I knew it. You are under arrest on suspicion of murder, mate. Well your not my mate, ever since you tried to kill me. I'm going to take you away!" The man said these words with a hint of regret in his voice. 'Weird', thought Lance.

"Fine. Take me away, stranger, to wherever it is that you would find pleasure in taking me!"

Suddenly, Lance could fainty hear sirens outside, which were getting louder and louder. Then there was a screech of tyres on the road and someone yelling and banging at the door.

"I'll get it!" said Lance brightly.

"He walked down the hallway and was startled to find a policeman standing in his doorframe, on top of what used to be his door.

"How very rude of you -" began Lance but the policeman interrupted.

"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say now will be used against you later in court."

"Very well Sir. I suppose you are here to take me away then." said Lance. He coulndn't believe his luck. Here was a ready made situation that he could take full responsibility for. No wonder Mr D liked him. He was very efficient.

"Yes. Now get in the car."

"Right you are Sir." replied Lance. The policeman was very confused. Most people he arrested weren't exactly very happy to be taken away, but Sir Lance Alotus; he actually seemed to like it! He had actually walked into the police car, rather than being dragged and his co-police worker hadn't even felt the need to cuff him! And this guy was meant to be a mass murderer!

2 hours later, Lance was sitting in a cell teaching all the other prisoners about enunciation.

"No, Snake. You are pronouncing 'Are you starting?' all wrong! It is a most common mis-enunciation, the temptation to say 'Ah yu starten?' which of course is all dreadful error.

"Listen punk, you better get off my back or i'll crush your head like a walnut. Got it? You better 'ave."

"You see, there it is again. What is the word 'ave'? I've never heard of it before. I suggest you take classes for this most appalling habit of yours". Lance was determined to help these people.

"You're gonna need bloody classes when i've finished with ya, punk. You aint gonna 'ave no brains left."

"Mr Alotus?" a voice called from  outside the cell.

"It is Sir Lance Alotus if you please." replied Lance firmly.

"Yeah. Whatever. Just get a move on!" said voice as if he couldn't be bothered any more.

"If you insist," answered Lance pompously.

"Oh yeah, dude. Sir whatever. I've had news. Your not Sir anything anymore. Your Sir-ship was cancelled."

Lance looked crushed. "You mean I'm just Lance?" he said dejectedly.

He hung his head and walked out.

The End

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