Derek, also known as: Ninja Penguin and meddling little - CENSORED - paddles himself around his little igloo he likes to call home. You see, dear avid readers, today, Derek is having an old school chum come to visit.
Derek pulls out his little icy coffee table of THE CUPBOARD OF NO RETURN -(advert) For broken items and unused objects, please call 03596 777432 for free collection to THE CUPBOARD OF NO RETURN, terms and conditions apply, please see your local ninja bird for more details (end of advert) - and he places it, smack bang in the middle of the loo. A loo is a short term - slang if you will - for say igloo for the locals.
Charlie the polar bear pads in from the chilly outdoors, shaking his coat making snow bombs fly everywhere. "Chaaaa booooo chaaaaa, poooowwwwaaaaa" - translation: My bad.
Derek shoos Charlie out, glancing at his watch he curses, and starts flying around(not literally of course, we all know that penguins can't fly... Or can they? Find out next time o- No! Not yet, god, get away from the mike, Mike. It's my turn to talk now! Whatever Enid, whatever.)
A quiet knock on the door pinches Derek's attention - pinches? Oh you are kidding me right, Enid? Pinches? You may as well just sign: here, here and here, initial here, for you resignation. Get away from the mike, Mike, before I call security! - Derek waddles over to the door and
set eyes on.
Penguina... modelling the windswept - I'm going to eat you - look. Inside Derek's head, he screams. "C-Can..." Beak chatter, "I...Come...in...please?"
Felling his throat well up, he nods giving her space to walk in. She wadles over to the table, where a nice long (stinking) fish lies, big enough for the two to (Tu-tu, haa! MIKE! Away!) share.
"So then Penguina," Derek says in a fake French accent. "Would you like a glass of Kool-Ade or Coke?"
"Ooo... oh, I do not know. Which tastes better?" she brings up the old debate, of which is better Kool-Ade or Coke?
"I personally think that they taste the same," as does everyone else in this world.
"So why are you asking?" Good question, why are you asking Derek.
"Well you see, some people think that Kool-Ade tastes better, but others think that Cola tastes better."
She gasps, "Oh Derek, I'm going to have to sleep on it."
Derek's little eyes look confused. "Why, just choose a drink?"
At that moment Kool-Ade Man smashes into the room, wearing a spandex suit, thrusting his hips saying, "Ohh yeah, choose Kool-Ade... Oh yeah, oh yeah!!"
"Um..." Penguina gasps, Derek narrows his eyes and when she isn't look, bashes Kool-Ade man out of the door again. "Could I have a coke, please?"
"Yes," he beams, "Yes you can."
And so, Derek - also known as: Ninja Penguin and meddling little - CENSORED - had a happy-ish ending. For now.
NEXT TIME ON: THE ADVENTURES OF NINJA PENGUIN (cue music)
Ninja Penguin brings the Wright brothers back to life and attempts to do, what no other penguin has done. Fly. Fly like the bird he is (even if penguins can't fly. That's it, Mike. You've had your warnings SECURITY!!)
(End super ninja ending music, cue recorded voice over guy.) This programme has ended suddenly after a technical malfunction; tune in next time, for more ninja adventures.
(In background: I'm going to kill you Mike! Like you could... AGGHHHH!!!!) BEEEP!
End of transmission, until next time. Goodnight.